Junk Food Nation, stop me if you’ve heard this one: What do you call a train man who steps on a live 3rd rail?

A conducter!

Hahaha except that almost HAPPENED last night here in DC!  According to this local news report, some crazy bitch tried to cross over the subway tracks to go from one platform to the other last night. And THIS is the picture someone shot:

According to the report: “the woman decided to walk directly across the tracks from one side of platform to the other. She did not use the escalator or walkways, but instead cut straight across the tracks on the upper level of Metro Center.

“Midway across the tracks, she changed her mind and decided to cross back to where she had been. Metro employees told her to stay in the middle of the tracks while they cut power to the electrified third rail, which they did for about four minutes.”

To give her the benefit of the doubt, alcohol had to be a motivator, right?  There’s no way a sober person thinks its a good idea to CLIMB DOWN INTO THE TRACK PIT WHERE THERE IS PESTILENCE AND THOUSANDS OF VOLTS OF ELECTRICITY just because you want to get to the other side! This is the same person who thinks her Ford can ford a river, avoids the bridge, and drives straight into the water.

You crazy, crazy chick. Thank God no one was hurt, but if you had been lit up, maybe that would’ve removed what brilliant genes you had from our collective pool.

Today’s junk food: Corn Nuts Variety Pack!

Nation, since I’ve been doing a lot of random Fancy Food Show junk foods lately, I thought this would be a good time to bring it back to basics with a throwback snack we all know and may love: Corn Nuts.  Lucky for me, my local grocery store was selling these combo packs off, 50% off!  Say whaaaaaaaa. Corn Nuts Variety Pack, on sale????  Count me in!

I’d reviewed plenty of Corn Nuts flavors before, but this Corn Nuts Variety Pack has all the classic flavors we love – original, Ranch, Barbecue, Nacho, and Chile Picante Con Limon.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever had the Chile Picante flavor.  Well, this’ll be a MOSTLY familiar experience then.

Yeah, why bother having these ingredients listed on those familiar slim bags!  Just list them on the bigger real estate on the back of this Corn Nuts Variety Pack. I love how the Original Flavor has three ingredients: corn, oil, salt, while the Ranch flavor has a treatise.

Despite the varying number of ingredients, the calories in this Corn Nuts Variety Pack are the same across the board, no matter what the flavor.  Ok, then.

I think for 12 bags of Corn Nuts, $2 is a fair price. That’s $0.17 a bag, which is much more reasonable than those $1 per bag sales you see.  Thank you, Safeway!

When you line up all the flavors in this Corn Nuts Variety Pack, it’s rather pretty.  Pretty tasty.  Now I know some of you don’t like Corn Nuts.  I’ve heard them described as eating rotted teeth. Me, I LOVE THEM. I love how they are SUPER CRUNCHY and taste like, well, corn or corn chips.  Great texture and a simple product.

Time to dig in!

Original Corn Nuts give you what you need – great crunch, nice toasted corn flavor, and plenty of large crystals of salt to lick off your fingers. Say what you want about the Original lacking flavor – I think SALT is a grand taste.

Ranch Corn Nuts have been doused in Ranch powdering, and have a slightly more sour ranch flavor than I normally like.  A nice Ranch salad dressing is more creamy than anything else; these were nice and Ranch-y but had that tang that some people like, some people don’t. I didn’t mind it – but not my favorite.

The problem I had with Barbecue Corn Nuts is the problem I have with many BBQ products – TOO SWEET.  This flavor had PLENTY of artificial smoke flavor (nice and smoky), but then Corn Nuts felt the need to make it really sweet to battle the smokiness.

PS: while I am taste testing all of these, I do feel like my teeth are about to break.  I have to chomp more lightly.  Lordy.

Nacho Corn Nuts had a taste of IMMEDIATE artificial cheese, which disappeared after a few crunches.  I have to admit, I was surprised they tried this flavor, since it didn’t look the the cheese powder, while plentiful, was REALLY sticking to the pieces of fried corn. The cheese flavor was nothing to write home about, and honestly, I liked the Ranch and BBQ better.

Now HERE’S a flavor I can get behind.  Upon crunching on a few of these, the first thing I tasted was a nice chile powder flavor – perfect, flavorful, mildly spicy, and didn’t disappear with the chews.  Then, as I chewed, the chile powder mixed with a nice subtle sour citrus taste – not an overwhelming artificial lime taste you get with a lot of snacks.  This was just a nice citrus sour to help develop the savoriness of the chile powder.  And that was it – a simple and well executed flavor profile that worked well with the Corn Nut crunch.

So there you have it, folks, on a Throwback Thursday – five flavors of Corn Nuts and only one layer of tooth enamel lost. I’d rank them:

1. Chile Picante

2. Original

3. Ranch

4. BBQ

5. Nacho

PURCHASED AT: Safeway Grocery

COST: $2

Thoughts? Please comment below (I always reply) or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. Also, you can always email me at junkfoodguy@junkfoodguy.com. Let’s hang out. Sincerely, Junk Food Guy