Junk Food Nation, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Ever since daylight savings time ended, I’ve been a zombie. I’m normally an early riser to go to my job to begin with, but this is getting ridiculous.  At 10:30pm, I was half asleep at my keyboard trying to type.  Like, literally. The type of sleep that you have when you’re watching TV and a boring show is on and you have to keep rewinding the DVR – except I was sitting upright trying to type this post!  I couldn’t even make it.  I had to save and go to bed, I was so tired.

So what happens?  I wake up, naturally, at 4:54am.  Seriously.  And I couldn’t fall back asleep.  Was this insomnia? No, because I was OUT for that good six hours. But this can’t be healthy, whatever it is.  Early to bed, early to rise, sure…but 4:54 AM!?  It wasn’t light out for another TWO EFFING HOURS. (It wasn’t all bad – I was able to tinker with my fantasy football team in the wee hours in the morning.  But was adding Laurent Robinson enough justification for my early awakening? I say nay…I could’ve easily added him at 7:00am.)

I don’t drink coffee or really any sort of caffeine on the regular, so there wasn’t anything to push me to stay awake later at night…and I don’t take melatonin or anything to keep me in bed in the morning.  I need help. Someone tell me what I should do.  I can’t keep eating breakfast at 5:15am.

Today’s junk food: Orville Redenbacher’s Apple Crisp Poppycock!

The Money Shot

Poppycock is a candied popcorn product I remember from my childhood.  It usually a mixture of caramel corn plus other goodies like pecans, almonds, etc.  I hadn’t had Poppycock for years.  My earliest and really ONLY memory of Poppycock was being in like fourth grade and getting two huge drums of it for Christmas.  That was same Christmas I was so sick I spend Christmas Eve in bed throwing up into a garbage can 🙁 Good times, Poppycock (and to be clear, Poppycock did NOT make me sick – I was so ill I didn’t get to crack into those bad boys until New Year’s.  Boo.)

When I think apple crisp, I think popcorn...don't you?

Orville Redenbacher’s Apple Crisp Poppycock is a new flavor. And Poppycock is a funny word.  C’mon, it just is.

Poppycock always tried to emerge as a more sophisticated version of caramel corn, better than Cracker Jacks and Fiddle Faddle.  But really?  It’s the same ol’ sugary popcorn.  Poppycock was purchased by ConAgra in 2007, where they slapped Orville’s face on there.  I’m sure he’d be thrilled.

Big ol nugget

According to the bag, this version of Poppycock is “Clusters of Gourmet Popcorn, Pecans, Walnuts, and Apple with a dash of cinnamon covered in our AMAZING GLAZE.” Emphasis on the glaze.  I don’t know what gourmet popcorn is, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist.

I like the pictures of the clusters, however – basically showing the eater “if you just want a bunch of crap covered in caramel, eat this!”

Contains...every single nut known to man

Poppycock’s slogan is “It’s Our Amazing Glaze!” And their glaze contains…CORN SYRUP!  SHOCKER!

Lotta text for candied popcorn

One pet peeve – I hate how snacks that consider themselves to be gourmet insist on using italics in their descriptions, because somehow they think the flowery font equals sophistication.  Silly Poppycock – everyone knows that Palatino Linotype is the Cadillac of screen fonts.

Bag o' sugar

See? Poppycock is just a big ol’ bag of candied popcorn.  I’m sure its wonderful, but it’s not like there are gold doubloons in here….

At least they don't skimp on the sugar...

…just some good old fashioned popcorn clusters DRENCHED in caramel and corn syrup.  I like the shininess of it.  The feel of each cluster was smooth, with almost no stickiness…also the bag had virtually no crumbs.  Nope, these clusters were rock solidly formed and were in perfect bite-size pieces.

Curled apple

My first impression of Orville Redenbacher’s Apple Crisp Poppycock – SWEET.  Like, really sweet.  I have a sweet tooth, but somehow this managed to be like five time sweeter than any candied popcorn I had in the past.

Good crunch, and the sugar came apart easily – I didn’t chip a tooth or anything.  The candied nuts were tasty, and the candied apple pieces were tasty too.  As a whole though? Meaning popcorn, nuts, and apple mixed together…It didn’t work, and I didn’t get it.  Sure it was sort of like eating an apple treat, but the caramel was so overwhelming, APPLE was not the first thing I noticed.  I tasted almost no cinnamon, and with no immediate apple or cinnamon flavor, I did NOT feel like this snack came at all close to apple crisp.

Was it good?  Sure it was – its popcorn covered in caramel, duh.  But was it a successful Apple Crisp junk food?  Nope – sorry.

Thoughts on the snack or any sleep tips? Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy