Junk Food Nation, I have been victim to awkward waving so so so many times. It happens in so many scenarios, and no matter how secure in your own skin you are, awkward waving definitely unravels you. It doesn’t matter if you’re Ryan Gosling (I’m not) or Minka Kelly (I’m definitely not) – an awkward wave can make you look like a moron.

The scenario I am speaking of is something I’ve dubbed the Wave-Behind. The grand daddy of all awkward waves.  The setup – I was a freshman in college and had a huge crush on this girl in my English class.  She was beautiful and we had more than one class together, so I figured even though I’d never spoken one word to her, she’d know who I was.  One day, I’m walking across the quad toward the gym, and she’s approaching on the same sidewalk.  I immediately tensed up because I was in dumpy clothes (heading to the gym).  Still, be cool, be cool, I told myself.  Ignore the greasy hair in your eyes.  Smile smile smile…. And, hello what’s this?  She’s waving to me!

So, like a giddy schoolboy, I started waving back.  And she’s still waving!  And I’m waving now, with full gusto! And then…someone behind me said, “Hey!” And my hand froze, mid-wave.

She’s waving to someone behind me.  D’oh.

What to do? Act like the wave was actually me just loosening my wrists?  Calmly run my hand through my hair like I was just waving to get the wrist warmed up for the old noggin?  Act like I just got a phone call? (Cell phones didn’t exist back then).

Find out what I did after the jump.  Today’s junk food: Triscuit Chile Pepper Thin Crisps!

The Money Shot

The last time I did a review of Triscuit Thin Crisps, I felt like the box didn’t deliver on its flavor promise. Junk Food Nation, you know I like spicy snacks, so when I saw this product, I decided to give Nabisco another chance.

Chile Pepper is such a generic term, but the concept is simple – spicy crackers.  Easy, I hope.

Lots of seeds - what are you saying, Triscuit?

The picture on the box is clear…these crackers should taste like dried spicy chile peppers.  Anyone who eats spicy food knows that leaving the seeds in means spicy spicy spicy, so I can only assume that the photo means just that.  Unless it’s lying. ARE YOU LYING, NABISCO?

Huh. No Cheese.

I was surprised to see “chile peppers” as the only spicy ingredient in this junk food.  Usually there’s some mention of habanero extract or jalapeno bits.  Here, nothing but “chile peppers.” This doesn’t forecast well.

I LIKE THE SPECKLES

Still, the initial look of the crackers looked decent.  Hell, there were red smudges on the plastic bag that contained the crackers – a sign I took to mean that these crisps were infused with pepper oil to the extent that it actually rubbed off on the packaging.

Looks thin...and crisp

These crisps are perfect in so many ways: shape, texture, crispness, but would they be good in flavor? The surface of the snack seemed to be covered in some sort of flavoring…yet I almost wanted it to be, I dunno, redder.  Like a chile pepper.  One of these days I’m going to open a snack that promises to be spicy and it will just be bright effing red.

Seasoned to perfection?

One bite, and I knew Nabisco had failed.  Tasty? Sure – like onion powder, garlic powder, and a slight slight chile tingle.  Not even a tingle, a small tickle.  But these crackers were not spicy in the least.  NOT IN THE LEAST!  Why bother calling a cracker “chile pepper” flavored if you aren’t going to make it spicy? I don’t get it. And I won’t be getting these again. Ever.

—

Needless to say, after being caught mid-wave, I tried desperately to think of something to save face.  And I kept walking toward her. With my hand frozen in mid-air.

Yeah, I dunno.  By the time I thought of something to do, I was well past her.  And I wish I could say I didn’t get a weird glance from her as she passed by to go talk to her friend behind me.  And I wish I could say that was the LAST time I experienced the wave-behind. But I think I’ve experienced the wave-behind with some regularity, maybe even last week.

These days I just enjoy the awkwardness. Maybe I’ll make things even MORE awkward by calling attention to it, “HAHA WOW I THOUGHT YOU WERE WAVING TO ME, HYUK HYUK HYUK.” Other person: “Why are you yelling?”

Or I might insist, “high five high five!” as I walk closer, and force the other person to interact with me. That’s always a winner…yeah.

Or sometimes, I go for the reverse wave-behind – once I see that they are waving to someone behind me, I then pretend I am waving to someone behind THEM: “….oh, yeah, GEORGE!  GEORGE!” I usually end up waving to complete strangers to save face from a wave-behind.

The drawback: this stranger might then want to actually talk to you or find out why you’re waving to them. Yikes.  Maybe I can avoid talking to this rando by waving to someone behind him…

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy