Good morning Junk Food Nation!  Wordpress and the JFG – we’re friends again.  All is well in blog-land.

Because I wanna get right to the junk food after one day off, I’ll move quickly through today’s hypothetical: You’re stranded on an island.  You have water and vitamins (yeah, this hypothetical is already awesome, I get to take vitamins! Because THAT makes sense) so you won’t die of malnutrition, per se. And you have an endless supply of one food.  Not a dish (like pizza), or a combo (ham and eggs), but one food, and one food only.  What would be yours?  Some answers around my office: Chocolate, peanut butter, apples (YEAH RIGHT), and beer (great answer!)  My own preference after the jump.

When I saw today’s junk food, Rold Gold Everything Bagel Pretzel Rings, I knew they had to be in my mouth.  Immediately.

The Money Shot

One of my favorite things to do on a weekend is get up and roll over to my favorite bagel shop here in DC, Pumpernickels.  It’s the type of place that not only makes amazing bagels in-house, but also bagel dogs, pizza, and sandwiches with tons of bacon.  It’s a great local shop – the type of joint where everything is written on a chalkboard and is constantly changing.

When it comes to bagels, Everything bagels are my favorite.  As many of you know my affinity for breakfast foods, one of my favorite morning combos is a nice Everything bagel, toasted, with American Cheese, a fried egg, and spicy sausage patties.  Delicious. Breakfast of champions. Throw in some hash browns and OJ, and I’m one happy Junk Food Guy.

Now Rold Gold has attempted to replicate my favorite bagel in pretzel form. I’ll say this: don’t mess with perfection unless you can deliver, RG.

The promise

Rold Gold really impressed me with their Cheesy Garlic Pretzel Nuggets, both in their style and shape AND in their flavor.  Could they repeat with this snack?  The bag promises baked-in flavor, and I love the choice of going ring-form with this snack.  Why?  Because at first glance they look exactly like the bagel picture on the front of the bag.  GENIUS.

Baked good goodness!

Rold Gold has hit the nail on the head perfectly – Everything bagels are all about garlic, onion, and poppy seed.  Plain and simple.  While I love flavored pretzels sometimes (mustard pretzels and buffalo wing pretzel pieces come to mind), I’ve said time and time again that pretzels are NOT good flavor vehicles.  See, e.g., Chex Mix, where the pretzels are the last things in the bag you eat.  Seriously, the pretzels in Chex Mix might as well be old teeth – I ain’t eating those either.

But Rold Gold has gone a different direction.  They’ve brainstormed “Hey, there are a lot of good reliable bread flavors out there that translate well to our bready snack – let’s just do that.  No need to blast with powder, etc.” Again, GENIUS.  FIRE UP THE MONEY PRESS, BOYS, AND START PRINTING!

Little bagels!

My god, it’s my heaven – like an endless Yellow Brick Road of bagels, each one more perfect than the last.

Ringy Dingy

Even from far out, you can see that each ring has some poppy seed, some salt, some garlic and onion bits here and there.  Let’s zoom in…

Where's the cream cheese?

I’ll be damned if, up close, these don’t look just like bagels.  The surface has that great boiled/baked shine that bagels have, and that rigid toughness that distinguishes bagels from bread.  The cracks in the skin of the bagel are perfectly replicated here.  I want to take each one, slice it open, and slather it with cream cheese.  Holy hell.

(Bonus question: what is the best flavor of cream cheese?  The answer is clearly roasted red pepper. End discussion.  Nope, it’s not even a debate, it’s a fact.  Yes, I know what a fact is. Yes, I know what subjectivity is.  Yes I know…JUST LEAVE ME ALONE OK?)

Where's the lox?

I popped a few mini bagels into my mouth and BAM! Everything bagel flavor to the max.  There was no confusing it.  A great blend of onion, garlic, poppy seed, salt – all those bits meshed perfectly and mixed together with the pretzel taste to provide a wonderful flavor.  Sure, the pretzels gave off a nice crunch that did not resemble a toasted bagel, but the message sent to my brain was BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL.  Really, really good.

This is one of those snacks where you think, “God, everything about it – shape, flavor, look – is so perfect. Why did it take so long to come up with?”  Whatever the reason, Rold Gold, I’m glad you finally did. Because it is a home run.

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Amazingly, someone in my office mentioned bagels in response to my hypo, which is, in my opinion, a great answer. My own choice, however, would be french fries, or even better, tater tots. Now I know what you’re thinking – oink oink fatty.  I acknowledge it’s not the healthiest choice in the world, but hear me out.

Fried potatoes are not my favorite food in the world, but they are very close, so my palette would be happy. They’d be a good source of carbohydrates to get me through the day.  Bite size and mentally satisfying.  And I’d need something that would taste good hot or cold, and I LOVE cold fries.  I think I could always eat french fries.  I never turn them down in real life, so why do I think that would change on a deserted island?  Answer: It wouldn’t.

It’s an absurd answer, but then again, it’s an absurd hypothetical.  What’s your answer? Post in the comments below or tweet me @junkfoodguy.  Happy Sunday!

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy