JFG Nation, last night was a big drinking night. The night before Thanksgiving is a popular time for guys and girls to come home from college, meet up at the local watering hole, and lie about how many people they’ve slept with as they try to grope each other. 23 people? Really, Mark? In two months? No, we ALL believe you. You casanova you. Also, can someone please lead off with another line besides “What are you majoring in?” No one cares about this, Rachel.

Today you woke up with a massive hangover, because you’d thought you’d show off by ordering that cool drink you learned in college, even though everyone knows what an AMF is and that it tastes like garbage. Blue caracao? Really? You take your midori sours and get the hell out of here. You’re not in Vegas; you’re in your crappy downtown local bar, so drink semi-cold IPAs like the rest of us.

But it’s THANKSGIVING, so let me walk you through how the day is going to go:

8:30 a.m.: Wake up to ear piercing iPhone alarm because your alarm app is set to only work during weekdays and you forgot that Thanksgiving is a Thursday. But hey, victory #1! You didn’t lose your phone last night! Pop three Advil and a drink eleven sips of water before stumbling back to your childhood bedroom.

11:14 a.m.: Wake up to blinding light because you also forgot to draw your shades and the sun has finally come around to your side of the house. Nausea setting in as you slowly become undrunk. That little bit of water helped, but now you’re teetering between getting sick and needing to pee. What you need is food. Something to anchor that stomach lurch. And lucky you – it’s THANKSGIVING.

12:00 noon: At this point, you’ve either been sick once or are fighting the good fight.YOU NEED FOOD. But damn, Thanksgiving dinner isn’t ready yet, and you don’t want to eat something random to spoil your feast. Not even the rolls are ready yet. What can you can eat now? Answer: Cheese and Crackers. This is set out typically as guests arrive, but there’s no rule book saying you can’t eat 80-100% of that stuff before your aunt and uncle arrive. Nothing like a sleeve of Ritz to cure those tummy gumblies.

1:00 p.m.: The meal is starting to shape up in the kitchen, you’ve watched a little football, but now that your head is starting to mend, you’re beginning to notice that those carbs merely hid the fact that you are completely nutrient depleted. Now’s the time to chase that carb mush in your stomach with all the carrot and celery sticks from that veggie platter as possible. Yes, I know it’s not fun, but a gallon of ranch dressing will help. And trust me – those veggies will go a long way to establishing a base for the later-protein to sit on and give you an excuse to avoid that random salad that somehow ends up on the table. Spinach and feta? Seriously guys? Unless these two things are baked into a calzone, I don’t it anywhere near my mouth today.

3:00 p.m.: The meal is likely about to begin, and you’ve had your first deuce of the day to clear room for the turkey. See? I told you that celery would come in handy. Now is the time to start grabbing quick bites of things before the table is set. A pinch of stuffing. A piece of corn bread. That burnt corner of the mac and cheese. A swig from the gravy boat. Whatever you want!

4:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.: FULL ON MOUTH WAR. IT’S TURKEY VS. CARBS, AND I’M THE WINNER ALL DAY LONG.

8:00 p.m.: Hangover is long gone, but so is every semblance of dignity and self respect. You’re under a blanket to hide the fact that your pants are completely undone to accomodate your bulging stomach. I’ve been there. You’ve been there. WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE.

And there you have it: THANKSGIVING. My favorite day of the year. Let’s do this. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be over by the cheese and crackers.

Today’s review: Utz Wavy HeluvaGood! Jalapeno Cheddar Potato Chips!!

The problem with these Utz Wavy HeluvaGood! Jalapeno Cheddar Potato Chips isn’t that they aren’t flavorful, but this is the first Utz chip where I’ve thought, “Hmmmm….these are a little too salty.” Usually I reserve such comments for Herr’s chips, but these Utz chips triggered that reaction.

The first flavor I got when I chewed some of these Utz Wavy HeluvaGood! Jalapeno Cheddar Potato Chips was salty cheese. The cheddar flavor was good – it was definitely a sharper cheese flavor than a plain nacho – but the salt didn’t fade, and these weren’t as creamy as I hoped a HeluvaGood! Dip chip would be. The salt definitely masked the jalapeno flavor too – the chips overall had some spice, and on the back end of the chew I definitely tasted a bit of the vegetable-y jalapeno flavor, but not much.

I came into these expecting the flavor to be creamier overall (like a dip), so I don’t necessarily mind the more muted jalapeno flavor, but the salt was a little unexpected. The wavy Utz chip texture was fine, standard, etc.

All in all, not my favorite Utz. I prob wouldn’t buy these again.

PURCHASED AT: Giant Food, Van Ness, DC

COST: Part of a Buy 2 Get 3 Free Sale, so each family size bag was $1.71! WOOT.

Sincerely,

The JFG