JFG Nation, what the hell did I watch last night? WHAT DID I WATCH? I’m sorry to take so long putting up this blog post today; I’m still reeling, trying to figure out what kind of sh*tshow I witnessed last night. Full disclosure: I am not a Patriots fan. I’m not going to get into the whole Brady DeflateGate or BountyGate etc etc. Don’t start with me about debates about Belichick and the system blah blah blah. I’m not a Pats fan for a simple reason: Divisional rival.

So naturally, last night, I was excited to see for ONCE a Pats loss. Texans lead the league in sacks. Pats are rolling out a third stringer at QB. Gronk is out. The Texans have never won at Gillette; they’re hungry to finally check that box. Brock Osweiler is leading a revamped offense with Nuk Hopkins and Lamar Miller – STUDS. So what happens?

I watch the Texans throw up all over themselves for 60 minutes. I wanted to puke after the first half. Some questions:

-WHY do you not have better special teams, Texans? TWO FUMBLES on returns??? It’s not hard for a third string QB to score when they only have to go 15 yards to the endzone, man!

-WHY does Brock Osweiler have the worst throwing motion since Tebow? That random 45-degree angle whiplash throw??? WHAT IS THAT. When he wasn’t skying the balls WAAAY outside of his receivers’ hands, or spiking them at his receivers’ feet ala Donovan McNabb, he was telegraphing where he was going to throw TO EVERYONE. One play, he pointed RIGHT AT Jonathan Grimes as he was about to hike the ball, and then after the snap, he threw it right at Grimes…WHO WAS TACKLED BEHIND THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE. Dude, KNOCK IT OFF.

-IS IT A SURPRISE that the Texans D was giving chunks of yardage up when they’re exhausted? That’s the problem with the hurry up offense – if you can’t execute (LOOKING AT YOU BROCK LOBSTER) your D gets zippy chance to rest. They KEPT SHOWING shots of JJ Watt on the sideline, gassed. WE GET IT, NBC.

-CAN YOU STOP committing pass interference in the end zone, Houston? I mean, for the love…they gave the Patriots SIX CHANCES to punch it into the endzone from the 1 yard line because of Pass Interference calls. STOP. DOING. THAT.

If it sounds like I’m bitter, *I AM.* Does it have anything to do with the fact that I started kicker Nick Novak in my fantasy league last night, and he came away with a whopping ZERO POINTS? YOU BET IT DOES.

Never again, Houston. You suck and you squandered a chance to deliver a Patriots loss. Nice work paying Brock $72 million.

Thoughts? Let me know in the comments below.

Today’s junk food: Blair’s Death Rain Habanero Pepper Potato Chips!!

After I whined yesterday about people acting tough while eating spicy things, I remembered that my friend Joe had given me this bag of Blair’s Death Rain Habanero Pepper Potato Chips way back when. I’d actually had these before at the Summer Fancy Food Show two years ago, and remembered that they were very very spicy. Probably the spiciest chip I remember eating.

Blair’s Death Rain Habanero Pepper Potato Chips seem to be the perfect way to remind myself: do I or do I NOT like spicy food? What’s my tolerance level?

Opening this bag of Blair’s Death Rain Habanero Pepper Potato Chips, I could smell the delicious sunflower oil these chips were fried in and not much else.

I placed a chip in my mouth and chewed. At first not much spice, just tasted like a bit of chili dry rub. The flavor was slightly savory but there wasn’t a ton of onion or garlic flavor. Emboldened, I chewed up four more chips at the same time. The flavor? It was just slightly tangy, like a really weak vinegar chip, when I coughed and…

…HOLY CRAP MOUTH ON FIRE. IT’S LIKE A HIVE OF WASPS ARE ATTACKING MY MOUTH AND THROAT. I AM SUCKING ON A FIREWORK THAT WON’T STOP BURNING.

Uh, yes. These Blair’s Death Rain Habanero Pepper Potato Chips were very very spicy. Intensely concentrated, it was like a covered fire that needed oxygen. As soon as the powder from the chip had a chance to move and scratch itself long the surface of my mouth, fire occurred.

These were as spicy as I remembered. I had to stop eating them because I started to tear up and couldn’t swallow the spice away. Milk helped a bit but it still burned. Wowza.

For those who like spicy chips, these will not disappoint. For those who hate spicy chips, these will kill you. Choose wisely.

Purchased at: I’ve seen these now in regular grocery stores.

Cost: I’m sure they’ll be decently cheap

Sincerely,

The JFG