Junk Food Nation, I’m feeling better!  Thank you, impressive immune system (yep, only took you a week).  Of course, I didn’t help my body that I stayed up the past two nights to watch the UCONN sweep of both men’s and women’s basketball, but whatever. WHATEVER. I do what I want.

Quick story: A couple of Sundays ago, when I was in Brooklyn for a wedding, I drank a lot. I mean, open bar weddings are ALL of our downfalls, amiright? Anyways, when I woke up Sunday morning, I was RICKETY.  “Im alive” I thought. “Lying face down on mattress wearing suit pants and no shirt, but alive.” Shoes, phone, wallet…all nearby, intact. Good.  No headache, but the room was spinning. “NICE,” I thought. “No hangover, no problems!” As I got up to stand and the room turned upside down, I thought, “YEP. STILL DRUNK.”

As I gathered myself, it was clear that to settle my stomach, to help get my feet back on the ground, there was only one thing I wanted/needed: a Coke.  So, I walked outside with my friends in search of a Coke. The alcohol made my attention fuzzy, because I walked right by a Duane Reade. I didn’t realize until I was a half block past the store, and thought, “Half block? …..IT’S TOO LATE TO GO BACK. ONWARD.”

Finally, I reached a Subway sandwich store.  It was about 11:00am on a Sunday morning, but it was open, and I knew they’d have fountain Coke.  Let’s do this, I thought, as I entered the bread-aroma-ed establishment.  I waited in line behind, what appeared to be, a young Eastern European couple. They seemed very nice. They didn’t speak English that well.  And they had ordered one of the new Chicken Enchilada Melts …you know, one of the subs that has *gulp* Fritos on it.

The sandwich artist was also someone who didn’t speak English well.  Which, whatever, it didn’t stop him from understanding the couple’s order.  But it perhaps stopped him from pointing out what a HUGE MISTAKE the couple was making. Because I watched this couple construct the most disgusting sandwich I’d ever seen. The couple would just point at things and say, “uhh…this.” And the sandwich artist would dutifully slather it onto the PULLED CHICKEN AND ENCHILADA SAUCE AND FRITOS:

“uhhh….this.” (ranch dressing) *squirt*

“uhhh….this.” (jalapenos) *sprinkle*

“uhhh….this.” (barbecue sauce) *squiiiiiiiirrrrrrrt*

“uhhh….this.” (red onions) *sprinkle sprinkle*

“uhhh….this.” (hot peppers) *sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle*

“uhhh….this.” (brown mustard) *squuuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrt*

After seeing this sequence of events when all I wanted to do was to BUY A GODDAMN COKE, my stomach was lurching. I left the Subway; my friends asked, “Where’s your Coke?” I told them we needed to leave before I got sick.

Lesson: Never visit the Subway on Bedford Avenue in the heart of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, the day after a wedding. EVER.

Since we’re ON the topic of Subway, I tried something that was discussed on the Nosh Show: New Subway Flatizzas!

New Subway Flatizzas were purchased in my home neighborhood in DC.  This was the placard above the counter….see the note for “Round Cheese Pizza, $4.00?” I saw some people getting these…basically forgoing the Flatizza entirely and just adding toppings to a pre-made frozen round pizza. CHEATERS.

The sandwich artist dutifully sliced in half a flatbread and started to apply sauce to the squares.  I personally like a lot of sauce, but he only added a small ladle.

For the New Subway Spicy Italian Flatizzas, the dude sliced up some pepperoni and salami and carefully placed them all over the first square…

…then he dutifully covered it with cheese. He didn’t ask me if I wanted anything else on there, which sucked.  How ’bout some more pepperoni on top, huh?

BTW, the employees were giving me the hairy eyeball for taking pictures of them doing their work. I tried to be sneaky about it, but they definitely noticed. “What? Taking pictures? No I’m just looking at my music on my iPhone! I always look at music holding my iPhone way out in front of my, touching the screen.” WOOP.

And this is how the veggie one looked, pre-fired in the toaster oven. The veggies added: tomato, green pepper, red onion, black olive.

New Subway Flatizzas came in cute little boxed.  Cute, stained, little boxes.

And there they are!  Post oven-firing.  My two New Subway Flatizzas.  Hm.  Let’s analyze.

This new New Veggie Subway Flatizza was a mess.  And it didn’t start out that way – when it came out of the oven, the sandwich artist tried to cut it and ended up shoving all the toppings off of the surface into the walls of the box.  I watched as he grabbed the lumps with his fingers and tried to spread it out onto the flatbread.  It’s cool – he was wearing gloves.  But needless to say, this was a messy experience.

The New Veggie Subway Flatizza tasted OK – the theme of today’s post is going to be NOT HOT ENOUGH.  The flatbread itself was not crisp, at all, and was just sort of warm when I held it.  Because it was not crisp, the floppiness of each quarter piece forced me to bend it in half, like I was eating a pizza taco.

The sauce was so-so – sweet and tomato-ey, but no real flavor otherwise (italian, basil, etc.)  The cheese had the nice burn marks, and had melted, but the veggies felt undercooked.  Flavor-wise, however, it tasted like a traditional deluxe pizza – which I liked!

So, I think this Veggie Flatizza COULD’VE been good, but the undercooking influenced its poor performance this time – food temp, crispness, and veggie done-ness were all an issue.

Moving onto the Spicy Italian Flatizza!

When the New Subway Spicy Italian Flatizza came out of the oven, I told the dude NOT to cut it.  Good thing – the integrity was maintained!  I think the cheese also melted more evenly in this version because the lay-flat pieces of meat didn’t create any inconsistency on the surface.  This looked like a legit pizza.

I liked this New Spicy Italian Subway Flatizza better than the Veggie one, for sure.  The melting of the cheese helped, and perhaps the oil from the meat, mixing with the tomato sauce and cheese, gave it a much better pizza flavor than the other.  This pizza still had a problem with crispness, however.  The flatbread was basically just warm, and very chewy.

Not much else to say about this.  Kind of tasted like a Red Baron pizza, which wasn’t bad.  Nothing too wow-ing about it.  Solid, meaty, bread/cheese/sauce/meat bites.  That’s a great description, no?

All in all, these Flatizzas weren’t bad, if they could just be toasted for a LITTLE bit longer. I don’t know how those toaster ovens work; maybe putting these through two cycles would light the place on fire.  I’m a solid MEH in evaluating these.

Have you had these yet, Junk food Nation, and if so, what do you think? Tell me below.

PURCHASED AT: Subway

COST: 2 for $5.  But really $5.50.  Lame.

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. I also have Google+!! Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy