Junk Food Nation, ugh.  I am a little slow moving this morning.  After four days in Vegas, let’s just say I’m glad the Junk Food Gal made me stay home from work today.  I don’t know what’s more amazing to me – that the air I’m breathing ISN’T filled with cigar smoke and desperation, or that I’m breathing AT ALL.

So, no review today – I’m still regrouping.  Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday.  In the meantime, I’ll just share a few lessons I learned in most recent trip to Vegas (last time I went to Vegas, I learned THESE and THESE lessons):

1. Even if the PRIVACY sign is up on your room at the Aria, the staff will STILL come into your room and ask if you want turn-down service.  No service, NO SERVICE! GET OUTTA HERE!

2. There are no vegetables in Vegas.  There is only meat, cheese, cream, coffee, and alcohol.  Oh, and the occasional bucket of ice. But no organic foods, ANYWHERE.

3. Turns out pressing the Hard Ways in Craps IS a sucker’s bet.

4. Every single Craps table I went up to was coming off some shooter who was rolling for like 45-50 minutes.  Then I got up there and “7-OUT!” I’m not saying I was the cooler, but I never needed ice in my drinks.

5. The tram from Bellagio to the Aria saves you only like 50 yards of walking…but it’s still worth it.

6. When you’re looking for a cheap lunch, Carnegie Deli in the Mirage is NOT THE PLACE TO GO.  I got this:

The Woody Allen @ Carnegie Deli

This foot-high sandwich was loaded with pastrami and corned beef and was Carnegie Deli’s world famous Woody Allen.  This is how it looked from the side:

Yeah, that’s a lot

Yeah, that’s a lot of meat. I wish the story ended, “AND THEN THE JUNK FOOD GUY ATE THE WHOLE THING” but the truth is I ate one half and stared at the other half with disgust, sweat running down my forehead. Tasty? Yes.  Cost efficient?  Well….this was $26.00. Ouch.

7. I have too much self-respect to ever fly Spirit Airlines ever again.  The revelation came on the red eye back to the DC-Metro area.  Something wasn’t right – I didn’t mind betting a decent amount in Craps with each roll, yet I was scrimping to save $40 on a round trip flight in exchange for no leg room, no reclining, and awful flight times?  My priorities were mixed up somewhere.  As we sat there on the red eye back from Vegas, a dude in a trucker hat and tattoos sitting next to my friend audibly lamented, “Ugh, this airline is so beneath me.” MY GOD WHAT WAS I DOING?

8. Earlier when I said there were no fruits or vegetables, I lied.  There was this:

Something About Mary @ Todd English P.U.B.

This monstrosity was the “Something About Mary” at Todd English P.U.B. in the Aria.  That, in the background, is me with my glasses. In the front is a pint size Bloody Mary, topped by cheese, salami, a chicken wing, a slider, pickles, prawns, peppers, carrots, celery, olives, and I’m pretty sure there’s some toothpaste, a matchbox car, and some dude’s mix tape somewhere in there too.

The bartender said they sold 12 of those that day alone.  Those 12 people are still missing, incidentally.

9. If I somehow end up at American Burger Works at the Excalibur at midnight in the next year, I’ll know that my life has suddenly been sucked into a Groundhog-Day-like loop that I must escape from. HOW DO I KEEP FINDING MYSELF THERE???

10. And for anyone out there who wants to earn a decent living, $0.16 at a time, Electronic Craps is for you.  That game was EVERYWHERE. Someone stop it before it replicates again…

That’s it, Junk Food Nation.  I’ll be back on the blogging horse soon enough – thanks for your patience!

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy