Junk Food Nation, I TOLD you there was a reason October was my favorite month.  If anyone watched the Pittsburgh-Cincinnati Wildcard Playoff last night , you saw, as my buddy Mike put it, an almost college football atmosphere.  These Pittsburgh fans were up on their feet, cheering for EVERY. SINGLE. PITCH.  That’ll happen when you have your first winning season and playoffs in 20+ years.  Wow.  Let’s review some other news stories that, at this point, are not new, but have been percolating in my head:

1)      KILLER BEES!  I MEAN, HORNETS!  DOES THAT MAKE IT ANY BETTER?!  No, no it does not.  Apparently, there is something in the world that exists called the Asian giant hornet, and it’s as big as your thumb, because OF COURSE IT IS.  Oh, and they eat honey bees and kill people.  Wait, WHAT!?  Yes, that’s right.  Apparently, “The more you run, the more they want to chase you.” Um, excuse while I sh*t my pants.  If you want to see a picture of what the queen killer hornets look like, click here, ALTHOUGH I SERIOUSLY ADVISE YOU NOT TO.  If you click, do what I did – cover your eyes with your hand and peek through fingers.  Seriously.  I don’t know why I linked it.  I’m sorry.

2)      A man from Sinking Spring, Pa., inspired by the hit Discovery Channel show “Naked and Afraid,” in which survivalists attempt to survive in harsh environments completely naked, has decided to open a haunted house for Halloween…where he expects paying customers to traverse the haunted house COMPLETELY NAKED.  No, you did not read that wrong.  His Haunted House, which costs 20 bucks, let’s people 18 or over to walk through with either their underwear or in the buff.  Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.  How long before vids from this Haunted House make it up onto YouPorn?  Gross.

3)      About two weeks ago, a woman entered a half marathon in Canada.  Then, as she was running, she apparently took a wrong turn….and ended up running the FULL marathon.  AND WINNING.  As she put it, “As I was looking at my watch, I was thinking something’s wrong. Where’s the finish line?”  Um, yeah.  If I was running a half marathon (13.1 miles) and took a wrong turn, somewhere around mile 15 I’d be like, “WHAT THE EFF IS HAPPENING?????”  Anyways, she ended up being the first woman to cross the finish line, and 10^th overall!  Nice work, random running lady.  I don’t know how many people would’ve done that, in ANYTHING in life.  Hell, if I ordered a whole pizza at a restaurant, and they accidentally brought me TWO pizzas, I wouldn’t be like, “Well, now I need to eat BOTH in one sitting!”  Wait, yes I would.

Today’s junk food: New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds!

New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds: The Money Shot

My first thought when I saw these New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds was BLASPHEMY!!!!! Saltines, ROUND!?  What kind of BS is this???  Nabisco, you have PLENTY of brands, do you feel like the market for Saltines is shrinking or something?  Such that you need to “spice it up?”  Or, in this situation, herb it up?  WTF.

New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds: Herbs?

I mean, Saltines have been around forever.  FOREVER.  The soda cracker has been around since the late 1800’s….and now you’re making it round and adding seasoning??  I mean, I’m all for change, and for the addition of flavor, BUT KEEP THEM SQUARE!  Round Saltines???? You’ve got to be kidding me.  What’s next, Square Ritz? Goldfish crackers…shaped like elephants?  Ridiculous….New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds, you are ridiculous.

New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds: REALLY

Next, I thought WHY.  Are people clamoring for round crackers???  “The corners hurt my sensitive mouth!” Have we really devolved so far that we can’t handle crackers with edges?  “America’s Favorite Saltine Cracker Brand is Now ROUND!”  Were focus groups sitting around, thinking, “You know, I love dry ass salty white bread crackers, but they’re just too …ANGLED.”  Plus, these New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds are perfect for dipping? You know what else is? Square crackers.

New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds: The Stats

New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds: Pale pale pale

When I opened this box of New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds, I could smell the slight herbaciousness of the rosemary, not gonna lie, as well as the olive oil smell.  It was faint, but I could detect it.  Munch time.

New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds: specked with Rosemary…I think

Ok, I’ll say it.  These New Nabisco Rosemary & Olive Oil Saltine Rounds aren’t bad at all, but I seriously don’t understand them.  First, they are a dry dry cracker…like Saltines are, and are supposed to be.  A soda cracker is basic and dry.  It’s great for soup or upset stomachs, specifically because it is toasted and bland and basic.  So, dressing these up with a little olive oil and herbs really doesn’t change how dry these are.  These are shaped like Ritz, but taste like sand.  Ok, I’m being harsh.  They taste like Saltines.

Plus, these are not THIN like a water cracker.  These are still decently thick crackers!  They are still very doughy, and when you chew a lot of them, you still get that mouthful of chewed up white flour in your mouth.

Taste? Sure, I DID get hints of olive oil and rosemary, which was nice.  But don’t make the mistake – these are not FLAVORED crackers, like a Buffalo Wheat Thin, etc.  These just have a HINT of that olive oil and rosemary flavor.  Everything else is still straight up Saltine.

Was the flavor enough to make me want to buy these again? Nope.  But were they bad? Nope – they were …fine.  Just fine.  As long as you go into them with no notions that these are a standalone snack, you won’t be disappointed.  Otherwise, go buy some Cheez-Its.

PURCHASED AT: Giant Food Grocery

COST: $2.50 on sale

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy