Junk Food Nation, MY SUPER BOWL IS HERE!  The Fancy Food Show is this coming Sunday through Tuesday, which means I’ve been doing burpees in turbodrive to try to burn enough calories to justify the binge-fest I am about to endure.  In NYC this year after being in DC for the past couple years, The Fancy Food Show is the silly-named summer’s largest specialty food trade show put on NASFT (the National Assoc. for the Specialty Food Trade).

Three gigantic rooms/floors, thousands of gourmet and specialty foods, hot, cold, packaged and otherwise.  It’s like walking through a Trader Joes, a Wegmans, a Harris Teeter, a Whole Foods, where everything is free.  I reviewed my experience at the show last year, which you can read about here, here, and here.

Also, I showed this promo video last year, and I’m even MORE excited this year:

YES.  So stoked.

Anyways, this show will affect my blogging schedule, which I will explain more about TOMORROW.  In the meantime, a BUNCH of companies have been sending my friend and genius-blogger Jen so pre-show samples of their wares, and she has kindly agreed to assemble this Pre-Show Blog Post for me.  Enjoy!

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Hey all, it’s Jen again. I’ll be (videographing? Associate blogging? Masticating?) under one of Eric’s press passes for the Fancy Food Show in a couple of days, and so the swag has started to roll in. I have selectively forgotten the saying about not taking candy from strangers, but I think it’s vaguely along the lines of “When you get a mystery box in the mail immediately place its contents in your mouth without question.”

When this particular package arrived I got all revved up because I thought it was the new sheets I had ordered; when I opened the box and found a bacon schnecken, it was like an EKG of emotions. The dissonance between expecting 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets (REM ballin, yo) and receiving a bacon and caramel sweet roll is vast, and I briefly developed a sort of Tyler Durdenesque alter ego to cope with all of the feelings, but we’re..I’m…feeling stable again. Similarly, my original, bikini-motivated dinner menu of “only chickpeas” has morphed into “bacon schnecken alone in my office.” Life and diabetes are what happen when you’re making other plans, right?

The main question people seem to ask when you brag to them about the free bacon schnecken you got in the mail is “What’s a bacon schnecken?”. Well, PEDANTS, the fine people at Queen City Cookies (who like both butter and local charities—go read up) describe it as thus: an “ooey, gooey, buttery bliss hunk of a loaf” with bites of smoky bacon woven through.  If Queen City Cookies is anywhere near as good with schneckens as they are with adjectives, then consider me bliss hunked.

I like how there are instructions for “Didn’t eat it all?”, but not for “Ate it all?”; I suppose “Wallow in shame” is implied. Also, is eating this as French Toast is the best you can do, overindulgencewise? I’m gonna use this thing as a goddamn pillow.*

*The exact point in my life at which I realized I’m the kind of person who rhetorically addresses pastries.

In the words of Homer Simpson, “And remember, if you’re not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain.” Woof. I’ve seen diamonds less clear than this.

Holy mother of God. I feel like I’ve seen the weapon of my own destruction. I poked at this thing the same way you check to see if roadkill or your grandmother is still alive. The plastic knife I keep in my desk drawer actually whimpered when I introduced it to the schnecken.

And boy, is it solid. The mere feel of it in your hand makes you want to send a tight spiral to Buffalo Bills Wide Receiver TJ Graham, if only because you know he would inevitably fumble and then you would get it back to eat.

It’s tasty, don’t get me wrong, but there’s not a whole lot of bacon flavor, and the topping (which both allures and frightens me) isn’t really distributed through the roll. Then again, I’m not a big sweet roll eater, so maybe this is just par for the course. Let’s introduce heat.

I cut off a small slice and microwaved it for 15 seconds, which apparently is the boiling point of schnecken topping and has resulted in a slight burn that I will probably explain by saying “Molotov cocktail” and shrugging casually, because “molten schnecken” forces too many questions.

Now, this baby hot is a whole different story. Microwaving this should be mandatory. Those who eat it at room temperature should be forced to sign a gag order that prevents them from weighing in on the schnecken—that still doesn’t get old to type, even 750 words in—and only those who have nuked it as God intended should be allowed to speak forth. It’s sweet, it’s savory, it makes you want to hug yourself and make a creepy “mmmmmm” sound.

They say you never forget your first swag, so thanks for doing me right, Queen City Cookies. You are the giant upon whose shoulders the rest of these free eats that followed stand.

Indie Candy sent me a whole box of assorted toffees and truffles in flavors like “Fig and Honey” and “Black Russian”, and made me realize I don’t know how to pluralize “toffee”. It’s all natural, gluten free, nut free, dairy free, and Big 8 Allergen Free (zero idea). It was also free free for me, but I imagine y’all have to pay because that’s the way a market economy works.

Indie Candy also sent me a handcrafted chocolate covered marshmallow. That was nice of them.

Kelapo sent several packets of extra virgin coconut oil, which is apparently a healthier way to cook. Little do they know that I cook whilst running on a treadmill.

According to the card that came with the package, it’s also apparently a “natural remedy for all your skin, hair, and body needs”, such as razor burn, chafing, and feet. I have a few suggestions for the Kelapo marketing department.

Perugina was nice enough to send me three large boxes of about 250 Baci chocolates each, which (according to their website) is how you “say I love you the Italian way”. While this is much preferred  to being mentally undressed to the sound of kissy noises (I live in New York City), I currently have managed to eat exactly two Baci, distribute about ten bags of them to very confused friends and strangers, refill the office candy bowl five times, scream “Baci!” like it’s Yahtzee three times and then laugh smugly at myself, and I still have about 550 left. If anyone knows of a country or region that runs on an Italian chocolate currency system—not prison, I’ve already thought of that—then let me know so I can go rule it.

Sheila G, who sounds like one badass baker, sent over four different bags of her brownie brittle in Mint Chocolate Chip, Chocolate Chip, Toffee Crunch, and Salted Caramel, which solves the problem of “No more fighting for the corner piece!” Do you hear that, Israel and Palestine?

I’ve been munching on this for a week now, and it’s really low cal and satisfying. I’ve also bought myself enough time to write this review by feeding it to my lady boss the same way that you toss a guard dog a steak when pulling off a burglary.

This is when I was on a bit of a sugar high and made two bags of brownie brittle kiss. I amuse myself.

Bella Sun Luci sent over several jars of sun dried tomatoes in various flavors in oil (like Italian Herbs and Pesto), as well as packages of the tomatoes themselves. I haven’t had a chance to try the jars yet, but I gave half of the packages to the coworker who’s had to listen to me make Baci/Yahtzee jokes all week, and snacked on the other half as if they were potato chips. You want to feel a 3 o’clock slump, try accidentally consuming 7 tomatoes while formatting a spreadsheet.

Vino Freeze from Vino Innovations (Why would you not take the opportunity to call your company Vinovations? WHY? WHY?) sent along six different flavors of Vino Freeze Mix (such as Sangria, Margarita, and Blueberry Pomegranate). You basically mix this with a bottle of wine (red or white, the package specifies) in a pitcher and toss it in the freezer for 3-4 hours, and chemical processes that don’t make for good packaging copy occur, and then you have Vino Freeze! There’s also a blender option. I have not tried any of them, but I gave half of the boxes away to girls in the office, who swarmed to the packaging like moths to flames (they haven’t tried yet, either, but oh man, the squeals).

That’s it so far! I’m really excited to be going to the Fancy Food Show and hanging out with Junk Food Guy and Gal all day, stuffing my face. See you all then!

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Thanks, Jen! And yes, I know, I know, Junk Food Nation – Jen is way funnier than me.  You told me that last time, jerks.  Sucks to your assmar!

Anyways, tomorrow I’ll let you know how you can follow me, Jen, and the Junk Food Gal during the show, Sunday through Tuesday.  It’ll mean I won’t be doing any normal posting on those days either.  So sad, but I’ll be busy trying to stuff my arteries with pistachio cream and bacon candy, thanks.

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. Also, you can always email me at junkfoodguy@junkfoodguy.com. Let’s do this.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy