Junk Food Nation, an open letter to the Miami Heat, on behalf of all Heat fans… WHAT THE HECK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?  I’m not a fan of the Heat, and while I don’t really WANT you to win, I sure as hell EXPECTED you to beat a Pacers team with no superstars.  You got outscored by 14 last night coming out of the break!  YOU’RE supposed to be the high tempo team, not the Pacers!  Good Lord. AND WHERE’S THE DEFENSE.

True NBA watchers, like me, know that Indiana is a very very good team.  Despite no stars, they are solidly constructed, and Paul George and Roy Hibbert are on their way to becoming household names.  But you, Miami, HAVE THE BEST PLAYER IN THE NBA.  And you ARE NOT CLEVELAND.  So get it together!

Just a quick rant. Let’s take a quick look at what I’ve seen in stores recently:

@ Target

@ Target

Yoplait now has Cosmopolitan and Pina Colada flavored yogurts.  I saw these pictured over at The Impulsive Buy, but I finally spotted them in person!  I commend Yoplait on the Cosmo flavored one, but Pina Colada is overplayed.  Still, WHY make this?  Because unlike the idea that someone can, for example, replace eating Key Lime Pie by eating Key Lime Pie yogurt, NO ONE is replacing an actual Cosmo with this crap.  I can’t wait until they come out with a Long Island Iced Tea one.  For all the yogurt lushes out there.

@ Target

@ Target

I hadn’t seen these Mint Dark Chocolate or Raspberry Dark Chocolate M&M’s, and all of sudden, here’s Target with full 8 oz sacks of them!  Perfect for smuggling into movie theaters and saving 8 bucks.

@ Target

So, apparently these White Chocolate M&M’s have been around since…last year? But *I* certainly have never seen them before.  Unsure of why they were being sold now, as the pastel colors suggest…Easter?  Weird.

@ Giant

@ GIant

I think Miracle Whip is sort of gross, so I certainly did NOT buy Smokin’ Bacon Ranch or Kickin’ Onion Blossom Miracle Whip. I am HIGHLY skeptical of both of these but if someone out there has tried them, let me know.  I will not be dipping my chicken fingers or onion rings into either of these…ever.

@ Safeway

An oldie but a goodie, I just like the idea of a food item called MOUTH MIXERS.  The execs: “We call it that because the gooey insides MIX in your MOUTH!” Yeah, we get it, brainiacs.

@ Safeway

I guess that’s pretty self explanatory.  But can you use it for anything else if you choose NOT to melt it? Or is this just a cheese product designed solely to coat my veins in saturated fat?

@ Safeway

Ok…let’s just be truthful and honest with each other.  “Cheese Nibblers”…. these are just tiny broken up pieces of cheese, right? That you’re trying to sell to me?  I’ll pass and just do what I normally do – take bites of cheese out of a big block like an apple.

@ REI

My friend Eric showed me this Lance Armstrong-sponsored product, Honey Stinger.  Apparently, it’s very similar to a Dutch dessert called a stroopwafel – or a waffle cookie that has a rich filled caramel chewy center.  Honey Stinger I guess sounds more EXTREEMMME than stroopwafel, I guess. Thankfully, these do not contain Lance Armstrong’s oxygenated blood.  THOUGH I WISH IT DID.

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. Also, you can always email me at junkfoodguy@junkfoodguy.com. Let’s do this.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy