Junk Food Nation, one of my favorite (and admittedly most useless) pastimes is complaining about the local subway system, the DC Metro. Yes, i am one of those disgruntled thousands who trudge on the subway each day to work, grumbling about its inefficiencies on a daily basis, while contributing nothing to the solution. I admit it.

Yesterday morning, however, I witnessed ANOTHER annoying sight on the Metro. Trains were delayed and backed up; typically when this happens, the Metro platforms fill up as more people accumulate with no trains arriving at the stations.  Once the clog/delay is alleviated, Metro then tries to send its backed up trains through the tunnels as fast as possible to accommodate these clogged stations.  Naturally, once a train arrives after a lengthy wait, there are a TON of people trying to get on. Metro loudspeaker warnings are given: “Please don’t crowd the trains, there are several cars right behind this one.”

To reinforce this message, the train will pull up, open their doors for a set time period (30 seconds?) and close them to try to speed to the next station, such that it’s not blocking the (potentially empty) train right behind it. All of this, presumably, make sense.

Yesterday, however, the particular train I was on was driven by a particularly ornery driver, who was essentially opening the doors for TEN SECONDS, and then trying to shut them BEFORE EVERYONE HAD GOTTEN *OFF* THE TRAIN. Again, people who had arrived at their destination and were trying to OFFLOAD the train only to be met by metal and glass doors snipping the tide of people walking off the train, trapping a few people onboard.  WTF.

Look, I know you have a schedule to keep, Metro driver, but what lesson are you teaching here? People are TRYING to get off.  They don’t want to be on the train! And if you’re trying to subliminally nudge people to get off the train faster, what result – you want me to start shoving people out of the way?  That’s safe.

Please. Please. Please. Just hold your horses a little bit.  I know you’re eager to get things moving. But how about you use some common EFFING sense.

Let’s take a look at what I’ve seen in stores recently:

I feel like these Mike and Ike Limited Edition Strawberry Reunion candies are the result of the whole “Mike breaking up with Ike” campaign that NO ONE PAID ATTENTION TO.  “We’re back to making great tasting candy.”  Um….did you go somewhere before?  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Angry Birds Star Wars candy???? May the Force…be with the marketing department.  Wow.

While Bacon Jerky DOES sound bodacious, I’m wondering what the heck is going on with Wild Bill’s feet.  Shriveled stumps of yuck.  I didn’t buy these simply because of THAT.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO Turkey Hill All Natural Limited Batch Butter Almond and Chocolate.  The picture is kind of weird though…makes it look like there are kernels of corn in the dessert.  Yikes.

Keebler Fudge Dipped Ice Cream Cones?  Makes sense to me.  Why not have the fudge go ALL THE WAY DOWN though?  THINK, Keebler.  Think.

OREO CONES.  Now we’re talking. Although…is the only thing “Oreo” about these the chocolate base to the dough that makes the cones?  No creme filling that comes with it? Lame.

…………drool……………… now this is more like it.  Gulp. Why I’m not eating THESE every day of my life, I’ll never know.

I know these Yankees baseball flavors have been around for a while, but this is the first time I’ve seen it!  Bronx Bombers Sundae!  Fun fact (for me): Last night Mariano Rivera blew a save without recording an out for the 1st time in his career. IN HIS CAREER. Not bad.

Pinstripe Brownie Blast looks amazing too.  Do other baseball teams have ice cream flavors?  Ice cream experts, let me know!

Lady Liberty Mint looks good, and it’s interesting to think of the Statue of Liberty being made of minty confection.  Pretty sure if I licked it, it wouldn’t taste minty at all.

Ugh, Cotton Candy-flavored things are some of my least favorite, right up there with bubblegum flavored things. And plus, I don’t know what Rockin’ Poppin’ Cotton Candy means, since cotton candy does not normally rock or pop.  Friendly’s…you’re weird.

Just in time for Fourth of July!  PATRIOT PRETZELS.  Just to piss the French off, right Snyder’s???

Thoughts?Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. I also have Google+!! Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy