Junk Food Nation, it’s a sunny hot day here in DC, midway through the week.  The Masters are almost here, as well as the NBA playoffs (we’ll revisit my predictions soon enough), and I spent way too much time watching the UCONN women BLOW OUT Louisville.  Wow.  Somewhere, Brittney Griner is dunking.

Time for a rant: it is also allergy season here in DC, and I’d like everyone to practice something.  Take hand. Place over mouth.  Cough.  OR, take elbow pit. Cover mouth.  Cough.  See how that works? That’s how covering your mouth when you cough to avoid the spread of disease and pestilence works.  I saw this middle aged man on the subway today, hacking and coughing, into what appeared to be his balled up fist, held three inches from his mouth. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO DO?  Is the fist there symbolically, like, “I’d like to cover my mouth, but instead, this is a pretend-microphone through which I can amplify my coughs!” Or maybe “I am just trying to cover every part of the outside of my hand with germs, leave me alone.”  Whatever the reason, KNOCK IT THE EFF OFF.  You’re not blocking any germs; if anything, you’re creating a bumper off which germs can bounce off and into other people’s eyes.  INTO MY EYES.  Next time I see this, I’m going to knock their fist into their mouth like I’m doing the old smell-your-ice-cream trick.

In other stupid-people news, I saw this on Facebook – this robber in DC failed to rob two banks, because his ransom note to the bank teller was too poorly spelled and worded that no one had any idea what the heck was happening.  Apparently his note read “100s 50s 20s 10s.”  Um, OK. I’m not bank robber, and I GUESS the teller could’ve made the inference herself, but WHY, if you’re going to commit a felony, LEAVE ANYTHING AMBIGUOUS?? I’m pretty sure the best bank robbers don’t use subtlety – they are direct and straight to the point.  GIVE ME MONEY OR I KILL YOU.  Something like that.  There’s no hinting or winking in robberies!

The teller then handed him back his note, confused, and he wrote “All mona” on it, and passed it back.  Dude, seriously?  You need to stop speaking in SMS lingo and just write English.  No more bank notes that read, “OMG, ICYMI, GIMME $$$ OR ELSE, LOL.”

In other-other stupid-people news, please ignore all my spelling and grammatical mistakes in this blog post.

Today’s junk food: the whole line of Remington Trail Steaks!

Remington Trail Steaks were sent to me, and I was excited to review them!  Beef jerky (and the like) are one of those things that I never, ever, EVER buy (ever), yet whenever the occasion arises when I have a chance to eat jerky, I hop to it.  Salted dried meat?  What’s not to like?  Except for the fact that you’re eating salted dried meat.  But that’s not a problem for me.

On interesting tidbit: as pointed out by the Fat Guy Food Blog, these Remington Trail Steaks are made by the Remington gun company.  So this is a gun company making food.  I guess it’s not that surprising, since they are trying to appeal to hunters…it’s only a matter of time before Facebook starts making Poke-a Cola, and Blackberry starts marketing actual blackberries, I think.

Anyways, I received four flavors, so let’s get to tasting.  Keep in mind that you have to be a jerky enjoyer, like me.  You vegans – you’ll want to steer clear.

Remington Trail Steaks Honey BBQ Smoked Beef jerky was definitely smokey – the first bite I took was tender and full of smokey flavor.  It was the type of smokiness that gave the beef a sort of tang to it.  The beef jerky itself was really tender, which I liked.  The flavor was sweet for sure – I’m not sure if I could tell that it was a HONEY BBQ, per se, but it was a sweet BBQ that mixed well with the tangy, salty beef flavor.  Each piece was sort of small, so the tenderness was bite size.  I give this decent marks, as it delivered on its promise: meaty and sweet BBQ-y.

Remington Trail Steaks Sweet ‘N Spicy Smoked Beef jerky I liked even more than the Honey BBQ.  This had that same nice beefy tenderness, and had a lot of smoke flavor, but added the element of a nice black pepper spice to it, plain and simple.  I liked the black pepper taste a lot more with the beefy flavor here, and felt like it helped offset the tangy smoky flavor.  The overall flavor of this jerky was pretty bold.  Again, each piece was cut pretty small, and the pieces themselves were sooo tender – not a tough chew in the bunch.  Thumbs up all around.

Remington Trail Steaks Maple Flavored Smoked Turkey jerky threw me off.  For one, each piece was pink, and semi-translucent.  WHAT?  I have to admit, the look of this jerky was REALLY strange to me.  Plus, this seemed a little more stiff and plastic-y than the two beef snacks.  Plus, WHY WAS IT TRANSLUCENT??  It was like I was about to eat candied salmon or something.

All of that said, this actually might’ve been my favorite jerky of them all!  The pieces were not as tender, as the chew was only slightly tougher…but I found the flavor to be the best.  Slightly sweet, and while smoky, less obtrusively smoky as the other two I’d had so far.  That left just the flavor of the dried meat which, in fact, was pretty tasty to this eater.  Weird how it was the dialed-bak flavor of this jerky that led me to like it the best.

I have to say, I was not the hugest fan of this sausage.  I know it’s basically like a Slim Jim.  Yeah, I know – I only sorta like Slim Jims too.  And I’m sure that, to some extent, these Remington Sausages have better ingredients inside than in Slim Jims.  But the thing which threw me off was the texture.

Each of these sausages is handheld, and the perfect size to bite off one end and chew.  But the outside is a thick casing, leading to the tender insides.  Biting through that casing and chewing up all the stuff inside, I felt a little weirded out. I don’t like a thick casing on my sausages, on my hot dogs, and we all each pepperoni and salami sliced in cross-sections specifically because we don’t WANT to feel the casing.  So these turned me off.

Flavor wise, these were decent.  There was still a lot of smoky flavor, and while I did get the teriyaki flavor they intended, I’m so used to a much sweeter teriyaki flavor that these left me a little sour.  Sorry, Remington.

In conclusion, my ranks:

1. Maple Flavored Smoked Turkey
2. Sweet ‘N Spicy Smoked Beef
3. Honey BBQ Smoked Beef
4. Teriyaki Hunters Sausage

Thanks again to Remington for sending me the goods!

PURCHASED AT: you can buy these online at the Remington website

COST: they range from $5.49 – $6.49 per bag

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. Also, you can always email me at junkfoodguy@junkfoodguy.com. Let’s do this.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy