Junk Food Nation, it’s Christmas Eve!  Huzzah!  And while I am happy to spend time with family and NOT WORK, I am bummed about one thing: the one thing I wanted to get myself for the holidays is SOLD OUT EVERYWHERE.  And I’m referring to a Samsung ChromeBook.  ME WANTS.  But nope – ALL. SOLD. OUT.  BOOOOO.

Of course, I’m not as bitter as a recent Wheel of Fortune contestant who, despite knowing the answer, was told she DIDN’T have the right answer because she pronounced “SWIMMING” as “SWIMMIN'”.

Now look.  I’m not grammar or speech Nazi, but I’ll admit that I am the first to snicker at someone for pronouncing words wrong (because I am an awful person and that’s why I’m not getting a ChromeBook for Christmas).  But honestly – you’re saying she got it wrong because of an ACCENT?  It’s not like she looked at the board which read “SEVEN SW_NS – _-SW_MM_NG” and cried out, “WHOPPA GANGNAM STYLE OOP OOP OOP.”  She said swimmin’.

Is it Wheel of Fortune’s job to keep us on track down the right-pronouncing highway????  I’m sorry, but the last time I watched that stupid show was a decade ago.  You’re a game show like awful Survivor and Minute to Win It.  This isn’t the Charlie Rose Hour.  If I wanted scholarly tutelage, I’ll go to SCHOOL, and not watch it on a game show where people spin wheels for microwave ovens.  Morons.

Today’s junk food: Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle!

Three varieties

When I was last in Target, I saw these three varieties of Herr’s chocolate covered pretzels.  Regular, White Chocolate Peppermint, and Chocolate Raspberry.  I didn’t want to review the regular ones (BOOORING), and I knew that nothing could top the Rold’s Gold Peppermint Dipped Snowflake Pretzels, so I opted for the third flavor – Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle!

Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle: The Money Shot

Immediately, I am very concerned about these Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle.  First, the name.  These are not chocolate coated pretzels.  They are chocolate FLAVOR-coated pretzels.  What the Hell does that mean?? Is it chocolate or is it not, Herr’s?

And raspberry FLAVORED drizzle   This has bad news all over it.

Nightmare

Next, the image on this bag of Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle reminds me of the red blood that the aliens sprayed all over the place in Tom Cruise’s War of the Worlds.  This isn’t appetizing, it’s horrifying.

AGAIN with the “dark chocolate flavor.”

Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle’s description is extremely lackluster.

About 30 calories per

NO DIRECT CHOCOLATE

Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle has neither chocolate nor raspberry in it.  HUGE RED FLAGS!  There’s a siren going off, shrieking, “ERIC DON’T EAT THIS!  ERIC DON’T EAT THIS!”  BUT I MUST.  FOR YOU, JUNK FOOD NATION.

Ugh

Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle were solidly constructed, I’ll give Herr’s that. Not a broken pretzel in the bunch.  The bag sort of smelled like cough medicine though.  Let’s get this over with.

Veiny

I took a bite of one of these Herr’s Chocolate Flavor-Coated Pretzel Stars w/ Raspberry Flavored Drizzle, and …..yep, these aren’t very good.  These were actually, dare I go this far: pretty bad.

The chocolate coating is waxy and full of oils, and worst of all, really doesn’t taste much like chocolate.  Sure, I could reason in my head it has a subtler DARK chocolate taste, but that’d take a lot fo self convincing.

The pretzel itself is fine, just a crunchy, semi-salty pretzel star.  The salt made the fake chocolate coating SORT of better, but not much.

The worst part was the drizzle.  Barely flavorful, the slight raspberry flavor tasted, honestly, like the faux fruity flavor in Crunchberries cereal – that sort of fake fruit, generic cereal sweet taste.  Nothing distinct or natural about it at all.

Combine?  Yuck.  Really a disaster of a snack.  Sorry Herr’s – this was NOT a bright spot for you.

PURCHASED AT: TARGET

COST: $3.00 on sale

Thoughts? Please comment below (I always reply) or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. Also, you can always email me at junkfoodguy@junkfoodguy.com. Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy