Junk Food Nation, I’ve got a lot of stuff to do today, so I’m running out the door. Thankfully, my college friend Joe has volunteered to do a guest post, since he recently got back from our 11-year college reunion. Before I go, however, I wanted to mention that last night the Heat took down the Boston Celtics in convincing fashion, winning them a place vs. the Oklahoma City Thunder in the NBA Finals.  Durant vs. Lebron. Non plural team name vs. non plural team name.  I love non plural team names!  Heat. Thunder. Jazz. Hell, I thought the Washington Wizards should’ve been renamed the Washington Mall – complete with green uniforms and an aerial view of all the Smithsonian museums emblazoned on the front.

I will take this moment to say: CALLED IT.  Yeah, I’m gonna puff my chest – I should be a Vegas handicapper. Harkening back to my NBA playoff predictions, I noted that the finals would be the OKC Thunder vs. the Miami Heat, opining:

“NBA FINALS: Miami vs. OK City.  This is just going to be a physical, athleticism race.  And when that occurs, Miami always wins.  I really think, despite HATING THEM, that Miami wins it all this year.  Sigh.”

And there we go. It’s happening. Sucks to my assmar.

Ok, I’m out. Joe, take over!

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JOE REVIEWS THE WAWA BIG BACON CHEESE DOG!

This is a college reunion post, and I was going to be all coy about where I went to school, because that’s what we do. My fellow alumni are historically reticent about name-dropping, and alumni of our “peer” schools have a similar problem articulating their vaunted alma mater.

But of course, there’s this video that reminds us that it’s not a vice to be loud and proud. And besides, how can I talk about college reunions without noting, even in passing, the name of our alma mater?

So… yeah. Princeton Reunions is four days of drinking and partying and coming together to ask awkwardly “so where are you again?” Unlike at other schools’ reunions (usually only on the five and ten-year anniversaries) Princeton’s sons and daughters often come back every year for a giant orange and black orgy. The beer is free-flowing, but unless you’re one of the major reunions, the food is not.

This is the line for our liquor store!

For those of us at our historic eleventh reunion (whoo!), this leads to the risk of consuming a good number of beers (or mixed drinks) unmitigated by the intake of food and the subsequent development of horrible hangovers. To combat this, waves of inebriated Princetonians descend on the Wawa Convenience Store. The ‘Wa, as it is known (we don’t have time for two syllables), has two things going for it: 1. it’s really the only places to go after hours, being open 24 hours, and 2. it’s downhill from campus, which appeals to drunk old people.

Drinkers like me know that Gatorade (or its HFCS-laced cousin Powerade) is an amazing source of hangover-fighting hydration. Why? Because it’s got what plants drunks crave: it’s got electrolytes. The ‘Wa sells Gatorade and lots of good junk food, like custom-made hoagies and an impressive array of heat-lamp hotdogs. Those last suckers are key, because a Reunions Friday night means an hour-long wait for a hoagie. Furthermore, a Gatorade substitute can be constructed by drinking a couple bottles of electrolyte-free water and eating an electrolyte-loaded ‘Wa hotdog. Note that I am not a medical professional or nutritionist.

I saw this while waiting for my friends to come in on the train. I had woken up after a night of beer and I desperately needed food. Let’s take apart this description: 1/4 lb. hotdog: one ‘Wa dog is a snack; this would be a breakfast substitute. Bacon? Sure, why not. Cheese? Balance from a different food group – nice! Shorti roll? This is a thicker hoagie roll (instead of a hot dog bun), and a Shorti is a 6″ sub. Incidentally, I bought this at about 11:30, and the label says this should stay under the heat lamps until 1 pm. I’ll come back to this…

(Junk Food Guy sidenote: The amount of condensation inside the box scares me.)

Before I purchased this, I opened it up and squeezed on a line of ketchup. I’m usually a mustard fan but I thought it would clash with the bacon. Plus, ketchup is a vegetable: part of this balanced breakfast! That thick glop of melted cheese spilling out into the case: nice. Try not to think about what the thin skin of melted cheese on the hotdog itself looks like. Gross. There is optimism yet in this hotdog.

(Junk Food Guy sidenote: When I first saw these pictures, I didn’t realize there was cheese on this dog and thought the dog just had a lot of white fat under the casing. I retched a couple times, for sure.)

So when I pull the dog out of the container, that pooled glop of melted cheese isn’t actually melted – it’s solidified enough to mimic the plastic corrugations. So this is supposed to stay under the heat lamps for an additional 75 minutes? Even after it’s been there for hours solidifying? I’m really going to eat this? The answer to all three questions: yes.

(Junk Food Guy sidenote: Ruffles have ridges, but not like Wa dogs apparently. Holy eff.)

OK, this hotdog is MASSIVE. It’s got layer upon concentric layer of ‘juicy’ meat, but in processed food terms, “juice” just means fat and salt. The bacon was flaccid and chewy and added only a bare smattering of smoke flavor (but a hell of a lot more salt!). I was able to taste a good amount of the cheese, especially in that rubbery spillover bit, and I appreciated its mild tanginess. It certainly filled me up and prepped my stomach for the day. However…

There’s a balance that needs to be struck when replenishing electrolytes. If you drink a Gatorade, you cede that responsibility back to the makers of Gatorade. When you’re trying to take in that two jugs of water + a ‘Wa dog, it’s important not to tip that balance too far in the salt direction. Once I ate this behemoth, I tipped that balance and started to dehydrate rather than rehydrate. Happily, I was saved by consuming a large quantity of an aqueous solution flavored with grain, hops, and alcohol, following which all was well with the world. Under no circumstances, however, do I recommend eating this thing, and I will not plan on doing so again. Not even next year.

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So there you have it – Joe’s review of the Wawa Big Bacon Cheese Dog. Please note that Joe clearly has a better vocabulary that I do. I embarrassingly had to look up the word “reticent” to confirm that it meant what I thought it meant.  That’s why so many of you are kicking my ass at Words with Friends (user: junkfoodguy if you wanna play!)  Because I play words like BOOK and TREE and you play words like ZYTHROMAX and GRIFFINDOR.

Anyways, thanks for covering my ass, Joe!  I’ll be back tomorrow with some more awkwardness and your regularly scheduled junk food – Happy Sunday, peeps.

Thoughts? Let me know if the comments below!  Or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy