Junk Food Nation, we can all agree that there are some moments where even when you’re not involved, you cringe with the feeling of awkwardness.  Watching a sex scene in a movie with your parents.  Seeing someone forget their lines on stage.  Hearing someone “accidentally” drop a racial slur or swear in a public situation and try to get out of it.

There’s even moments when you’re watching TV or Youtube by yourself and you can’t help but feel awkward.  And that brings me to a video I saw this morning.  How in the HELL did I not know about this?  This video is so bad, and so awkward, that I am left bewildered.

Someone explain this video to me. Is this like Rebecca Black’s “Friday?” Because it’s not even that good – it’s just horribly awkward! When the girl on the left sings the words at 1:35 “I just wanna have fun” and she pumps her arm half-heartedly, I want to jump in front of a bus.  There is nothing worse than seeing a semi-cute girl fail miserably at an attempt at being semi-cute.

Could this video have been pervertedly good despite the obvious awfulness? Sure – if these tween girls were actually hot!  But they fail, and that’s what makes it all so cringe worthy.  Seriously, though.  Ever see a hot girl in the club, and then you see she’s a lousy dancer? Like, doesn’t know how to move her hot body? You just wince and say, “uggggggggggh….there’s no need for that.” That’s what this video is like. The bad singing, horrible rhythm, and the 80’s background track is comic fodder for sure, but the whole thing is weird as these girls try to sexy-it-up while backfiring miserably.

Now, if this was their goal in some mind-eff backwards satirical mind game parody video, then Bravo.  Otherwise, someone help me scrub my brain of this mindpuke.

Today’s junk food: Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Spread!

The Money Shot

I found this spread in my local Safeway store and had to jump on it.  First, you guys all know how much I love pumpkin spice. I mean, who doesn’t? It was odd to me to see this NOW – after all, it’s not the Fall or anything.  Was I buying non-season expired food stuffs? And really, when has that stopped me before?

0 gram trans fat, but just a big ole tub of oil

How can Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Spread be considered junk food?  Well, let’s think of it clearly: (1) this is presumably a spread that changes an ordinary piece of bred into pumpkin spice bread, (2) it must contain enough sugar to successfully accomplish that, and (3) this is essentially a tub of whipped vegetable oil and corn syrup.  Game, set, match.

I should hope so!

Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Spread is a 52% vegetable oil spread.  I’m scared to think of what the remaining 48% is.  It’s not listed on its website, which scares me even more. Country Crock’s wikipedia page is also frighteningly slim.  What the heck is going on here???

Disturbingly orange, yet expected

Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Spread, once opened, smelled strongly of pumpkin spice and had an almost-too-perfect form inside the tub – topped off by the soft-serve-like curled point.  This was definitely squeezed from a machine into this tub. Nice.

Came apart nicely

Soft and spiced

One swipe of the knife, and the Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Spread easily adhered to it – like whipped butter, this spread suffered no jerking or overly-tough knots.

Application achieved!

I applied the Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Spread to a hot piece of toast, and it immediately started going to work: melting, soaking into the bread, and changing form.  It turned a nice translucent as it melted, and the toast glistened.  It smelled good – like buttery pumpkin spice.  Despite everything that raised red flags before, i was excited to try a bite!

Melted nicely and soaked in pleasingly

WOW.  I have to give this Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Spread credit – it was DAMN good.  It did as it promised – changed an ordinary piece of toast into a slice of buttery cinnamon-y pumpkin-y heaven. It was tasty and warm and reminded me of Fall.

I remember as a kid making pieces of toast and butter and covering them with sugar and cinnamon.  This was similar, with the added flavor of pumpkin.  Despite its overall artificiality, this was really tasty – distracted me from the fact that I was eating a pool of vegetable oil.  I’d highly recommend it to anyone who loves pumpkin spice, plain and simple.

Thoughts? Hit me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy