Junk Food Nation, I was watching a show last night that was describing the world’s 10 most poisonous animals, and was horrified. It was a list that looked something like this, but with more insects.  Yeah, more insects that can kill, that’s all I need to be aware of.  First of all, while I’m man enough to smash at a bug or spider repeatedly with a sandal while shrieking like a little girl, I certainly don’t like it.  Every time I see a big ass bug crawling about, even outside on the sidewalk, I yelp and need to do an Olympic long jump over it for fear that the speedy sucker will rush me and crawl up my leg to my nether parts. Throw in the fact that the animals on this show were POISONOUS and could KILL ME? Forget it – I believe natural selection dictates that I throw a phone book at a poisonous dart frog and run away like a mamby pamby.

For some reason 6 out of 10 of these animals/insects were discovered in Australia. Well, that’s a horrible place to live. My god – if every morning I woke up I had to shake out a snorkle of poisonous spiders from my slippers before I shook out the poison scorpion from my coffee cup, I think I would FRIGGIN’ LOSE IT.

The show was structured as follows: with each introduction of the poison animal, an interview with an actual person who’d been stung/bitten by each animal was shown. During their recount of what happened, the show would do a re-enactment of the events described. Finally, each animal segment would end with how close to death each survivor came and how at the last second, they managed to get to the hospital or get an antidote, etc.  This was how the show was structured…UNTIL THEY GOT TO THE 3RD MOST POISONOUS ANIMAL.

The lady interviewed for this sucker was hooked up to a bunch of machines, and had been bitten by a spider that was in her boot or something.  But she didn’t talk about how she was cured; instead she ended her interview with something like, “Yeah, I’m still partially paralyzed, and I spend 14 hours a day in an iron lung, and they’re still looking for a cure. I’m in constant pain, what with the venom still running through my veins.  Kill me.  Kill me now” Ok, I embellished that last part but WHAT!? I know that knowledge is power, but did I need to know that there’s some animal venom out there that there is NO ANTIDOTE FOR!?  No. No I did not.  Damn you, spider lady.

Anyways, that was my evening.  Today’s junk food: Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Rings!

The Money Shot

Purchased at my local Wegmans, these Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Rings jumped out at me because of the bright purple foil bag. Hey, just calling it like it is.  It was really colorful. I guess the design worked.

Made by Tim’s Chips, these are not made in Maui but in Washington State.  I reviewed their Luau BBQ chips here – gave it a so-so review. Let’s hope these onion rings are better!

That's offensive...isn't it? I dunno.

Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Rings and aboriginal Hawaiians rowing wooden boats.  The connection? There isn’t one.

I didn't know Maui was known for onions

You know, I was skeptical that Maui was known for onions, but apparently they are! I dunno – whenever I see brochures for couples vacations in Maui, they always stress the lovely beaches, not the fields of sweet onions.  Ick.

27 rings?!

BRAVO, Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Rings – 27 rings to a serving??? SIGN ME UP!

How is SNACK RING an ingredient?

This ingredient list is suspicious – snack ring as the first “ingredient” is funny, but I get it – you’re breaking down the chip component by component.  But vegetable oil is the second ingredient and THEN seasoning? Hmmmm – these aren’t healthy.

I think of something else when I think of an exotic flavor adventure

When I think of Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Rings, do I think of them as being eaten by those who have discriminating palettes?  Or are they eaten by people who play Modern Warfare 3 and drink Mountain Dew LiveWire?

Crispy rings

They almost look real. Wait, they are real. Wait...

Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Rings look like Funyuns, but with a little more delicate texture.  Unlike Funyuns, which are abnormally smooth, these seem a bit more flaky.  Of course, all of it is a little disconcerting when you consider that these are just onion powder packed corn meal rings shaped to look like actual onion rings.  But whatever.

Puffed magic

The taste of these Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Rings? Not bad, to be honest. Light and flaky, I chomped on several of these and found my breath reeking of onion – always a good sign. The sweet onion taste was pleasing, and the crunch and crispiness of the ring itself was nice. This was the type of snack that as soon as your saliva and teeth touch it, the snack structure dissolves into a tiny lump of food on your tongue. No wonder 27 of these = one serving.

Any drawbacks? Well, they tasted like Funyuns! Not sure if I really felt/tasted a difference. Granted I didn’t do a side by side, but I’ve had plenty of Funyuns in my day. I think these Maui Sweet Onion Rings were lighter, crispier, and sweeter, so I prefer these to Funyuns…but still, it wasn’t that big of a difference.

Good effort, nevertheless, and a decent snack. Grade: B.

Thoughts? Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy