Junk Food Nation, I returned home from watching the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (thumbs up!) to see that my Yankees had made two substantial pitching moves, trading for Seattle fireballer Michael Pineda and signing Dodger veteran Hiroki Kiruda.  As I gleefully read every single article, blog post, tweet about this deal, I went to bed forgetting to write my blog post!  Not wanting to break my Ripken-esque streak (as noted by eat!drink!snack!), I woke up early this morning to give you: my NFL DIVISIONAL PLAYOFF PICKS!!! <crashing thunder>

Let’s start with DENVER AT NEW ENGLAND. I didn’t see this coming, and neither did anyone else in the nation.  Denver’s OT win over Pittsburgh last week knocked me from both survivor pools I was in and sent ESPN, Deadspin, and every other sports news outlet into a tailspin.  It was an anomaly I tell you.  I’m still rooting for Tebow but he’s not winning this week.  There were tell-tale signs last week for Pitt: Big Ben hurting, Ryan Clark not playing, third-string center starting…we all shoulda known the possibility of a Denver win was raised.  This week, except for the fact that New England can’t defend the pass, they don’t have the same weaknesses.  More importantly – they can score.  They’re at home. And they won’t be down 6-20 in the first half.  PATRIOTS WIN.

I asked my sports friends what would be worse, the Pats making it to the Super Bowl again…only to lose to the Giants AGAIN, or the Pats losing to the media-tornado that is Tim Tebow THIS week.  The results:

Dan D (NE fan): Tebow loss.  If Brady doesn’t win at least one more Super Bowl I will be so disappointed. (yeah, ’cause those three rings Brady has already mean nothing, right?)

Mike J (NE fan): Losing to Tebow in Round 1 (again) would suck more…Losing to Denver on a Tebow tuck rule would be the worst. (oh yeah, the Pats DID choke to the Jets in their first playoff game last year, didn’t they?  I forgot that wonderful memory.)

Maggie G (NE fan): Personally I can’t stand Tim Tebow so that would crush me, but I think most Pats fans would say losing to the Giants in the SB.

Rodney A (Skins fan): Probably losing to Tebow, LOL.

Zuberi W (Bears fan): Tebow and I’m cheering all the way!

Anthony D (Cowboys fan): I’m thinking losing to Tebow. No one wants to be in that group.

Josh H (Iggles fan): The latter…I’ll be in Tebow country for the game, it could get crazy!

Adam F (Dolphins fan): Tebow…losing to a bad team would hurt more this year.

Nilo C (Dolphins fan): To the Giants because it would make Eli Brady’s daddy.

Interesting…anyways, more picks after the jump.  Today I wanted to share a recent visit to the Asian grocery where I got to take a look at a bunch of Asian Junk Foods that were on display…that I’d never try.

MMMMMMM bagged cornick!  My favorite!  Ummm…wait, what? What the hell IS this?  I see a corn cob at the bottom of the bag, an angry garlic enforcer doing a karate punch, and what I can only assume is the company name: BOY BAWANG.  Maybe Boy Bawang is the name of the garlic bulb dude?  This garlicky corn snack packs a punch (har har).

Chiz curls??  CHIZ CURLS!?  I actually stood in the aisle laughing silently to myself for a good two minutes over this one.  I know I’m juvenile, but CHIZ CURLS couldn’t sound more suggestive in more than one way.  Good lord.  Add the Powerpuff-looking girl in a visor and overalls, and you have a really inappropriate juxtaposition, in my book.  I mean, they are already labeled cheese-flavored corn curls!  Which means some design exec actually suggested, “Let’s change the word Cheese to Chiz.  It’ll be amazing.”  And it is.

These Cheese Rings are going to weird anime superhero route. This lass is wearing what looks to be a Roomba on her head while she shoots these cheesy rings out of her wristband. This is by far the most ineffective superhero I’ve ever seen. Not gonna stop a lot of bank robberies that way, lady….

…unless you’re her partner in crime fighting, BOOMERANG ON HEAD-BOY!  What the hell????? I think the only thing worse than shooting cheese rings out of your wristband HAS to be shooting them out of your spiky head.  And he’s so angry looking too. I wanna see this cartoon on Disney XD: “Roomba Girl and Boomerang on Head Boy! Defending the world without success!”

GAAAAH!!!!   WHAT THE EFF IS THIS!?  This goes down as the most terrifying packaging yet for a junk food.  I don’t even know what these ARE yet and I’m already scared to have these in my cupboard.  If I opened up my kitchen cupboard and saw this face staring at me, I might shit myself.

Why are his/her fingers pointed up like that??? Is that what the Children of the Corn did before they melted your face?????

And what the heck is an “Insist on Export Pack?”

Apparently these are some kind of milk and wheat biscuit.  No idea REALLY what this is…but side question.  Even if this is some kind of milk and wheat biscuit, is the best picture to display this large shucks of wheat splashing into a pool of milk? That looks really unappetizing.

Maybe next time I’ll actually buy one of these and try it…but for now, I’m content snarking on all of it.

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More NFL picks!  Incidentally, I was pretty spot on last week.  Besides calling Houston, New Orleans, and the Giants to win, I also stated that while I thought Pittsburgh would win, “don’t be surprised if a mile-high miracle occurs.”  By the way, has anyone NAMED that play yet, the Tebow OT throw? Like the Music City Miracle, Tuck Rule, Immaculate Reception? No? Then I’m dubbing it “The Hail Virgin Mary.” You heard it here first, folks.

NEW ORLEANS AT SAN FRAN: Despite my thought the Saints will win it all, I have to admit, this is a VERY tough game.  Last week showed how hard it was for road teams to win in the playoffs – every single home team won last week.  This week, San Fran will look to control the game with their run game.  San Fran’s advantages: outside stadium, the weather favors no one, and their defense will be angry.  If New Orleans can jump out early, I can see them winning a squeaker.  Otherwise, this is shaping up to be, in my mind, a 49ers upset…and THEY are the 2-seed, NOT the Saints!  I’ll still say the SAINTS pull it out, but watch this one closely folks – could be a frustrating one for the Louisiana faithful.

HOUSTON at BALTIMORE: Clearly, the game getting the least amount of love this weekend.  No Tebow, No Brady, No Rodgers, No Brees, No Harbaugh, No Eli, No Love.  And I think the Ravens wouldn’t want it any other way.  Houston may have schooled the Bengals, but the Ravens aren’t the Bengals.  Houston will have their hands full on real grass outdoors in Baltimore.  The key is Flacco, or as I like to call him, don’t-fuck-it-up-Flacco. If he can manage a mistake free game, I think Ray Rice will take care of the rest.  I think the Ravens will challenge Yates to throw, and unlike Pitt and Tebow, Yates won’t be able to do it.  RAVENS roll.

NEW YORK AT GREEN BAY: Sports news media has hyped themselves up into believing that New York is the “perfect team” to beat the Green Bay Packers.  That Eli loves these types of games.  That the NY Defense is finally all healthy and that Rodgers will be beat.  I tell you what: AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN.  Here’s why: YOU THINK THE PACKERS AREN’T TAKING THIS GAME SERIOUSLY?  The KC loss was a fluke, the clear look-ahead-inappropriately game.  Here? They aren’t taking the Giants lightly for one second.  They know if they lose they’ll be labeled chumps and chokers, and they aren’t gonna let that happen.  With more at stake than ever, the defending champs know a first appearance loss would be a disappointing end.  The PACKERS will roll the Giants.

And that’s it! Happy football day!

Thoughts? What are YOUR picks? Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy