Junk Food Nation, here in DC, we have an amazing public transport system. The Washington Metro takes thousands of workers from MD and VA and other parts of DC downtown to work in our nation’s capitol. And most mornings, I get on the train, plug in my headphones, and just try to enjoy the last 20 minutes of my morning as I head into work.  Unless you’re forced to talk.

Trying to TALK to someone during the morning commute is uber-awkward.  Most people on the train (like me) either have headphones on, or are sleeping, or are reading papers. But mostly, NO ONE IS TALKING. Why? Because it’s too effing early.  Even if I have something to say, I know it can wait until we get to the station; just let me listen to my podcast in peace while I wake up.  And it’s so quiet due to this treaty of “leave me alone” between passengers, that if someone decides to talk, it’s like a loudspeaker.

What exacerbates the awkwardness are the situations that surround the talking:

1) Flirting on the Morning Commute.  There is nothing quite like watching two people flirt.  It’s both awkward and fascinating. At a bar, it’s just funny because there’s usually a lot of yelling going on over the loud music (I SAID I LIKE YOUR DRESS!!!!!!), and at a party, there are plenty of those nervous flirting moments and quick departures (e.g. the “ooooh, this is is what we’re doing” moments). But there is nothing quite like watching an attempt at flirtation on the subway in the silent morning.

There are hundreds of college interns in DC for the semester. You can always tell who the interns are – they don’t have that beaten down look of most government workers. Anyways, this morning I watched a male intern with a faux hawk try to chat up a female intern wearing pearls and a trench coat when she was clearly 19 y.o. on the train this morning.  The entire train was silent…except for these these two chuckleheads.

It was painful, listening this girl yammer on about her stupid pets she got to see over Thanksgiving break and watching this guy nod along and agree with everything she said. “Oh yeah, yeah, hanging out with your uncle and aunt, that sounds awesome.” Does it?  DOES IT SOUND *AWESOME*??  He actually dropped, “That’s what Thanksgiving is all about, you know – family.”  Dear lord, you’re a regular greeting card, dude.

More after the jump. Today’s junk food: Limited Edition Honey Maid Gingerbread Graham Crackers!

When I was a young child, I would demolish graham crackers.  I mean, I would go through box after box after box.  If they had cinnamon on them?  FORGET IT – I ate those so fast it was scary.  So when I saw these Limited Edition Honey Maid Gingerbread Graham Crackers, it brought back a lot of memories…of gluttony.

Limited Edition Honey Maid Gingerbread Graham Crackers are featured on Honey Maid’s website, which also features Spongebob Squarepants Grahams.  What a random endorsement.  Love that Honey Maid logo though – the drip of the honey off the D, and the golden bee flying.  I feel like there should be Disney theme music when the box is opened.

Limited Edition Honey Maid Gingerbread Graham Crackers can be used, apparently, to make gingerbread houses.  I tried making a gingerbread house once, but all I really was left with was a half-built effed-up-looking house that was comprised of stale graham crackers and disgusting sugar paste.  Nothing says holiday like mold!  MMMMM.

Per Wiki, the graham cracker “was developed in 1829 in Bound Brook, New Jersey, byPresbyterian minister Rev. Sylvester Graham. Though called a cracker, it is sweet rather than salty and so it is a cookie—similar to the British digestive biscuit.”   Interestingly, apparently Rev. Graham believed that one could curb sexual appetite and carnal urges such as masturbation by eating bland food, and so he invented this cracker.  Wow – lemme tell you, I ate PLENTY of these when I was a kid, and it didn’t curb…well…ok, moving on.

Thanks for the recipe, Limited Edition Honey Maid Gingerbread Graham Crackers, but as I stated earlier, it ain’t happenin’.  And this ingredient list is just ridiculous – four Mister Salty pretzels?  Where am I just getting FOUR pretzels???

Is THAT what the resultant gingerbread house is supposed to look like!?

Also, I NEVER understood the point of gingerbread houses – once they’re done, are you supposed to eat them? They’re kind of gross!

More recipes on the side of this box of Limited Edition Honey Maid Gingerbread Graham Crackers. I like how this recipe is basically telling you to grind up the crackers into dough and make something else entirely different.

Ah, the wax paper blocks of graham crackers, a familiar sight.  Little known fact: once you open these packages, there is no human way to reseal them.  True story.

I chomped and chewed on a cracker sheet from this box of Limited Edition Honey Maid Gingerbread Graham Crackers – and was….sort of pleased.  They had a nice flaky crunch, like I’d remembered from past graham crackers.  Sweet – a subtle honey taste, and nice sweetness through the graham cracker dough. Was there gingerbread taste?  Yes…but also it was VERY subtle. You tasted the semi tang of the ginger on your tongue at the very end of the chew, but not much earlier.  These should’ve been much more ginger-y to be called gingerbread grahams, IMO.

So these were OK, but not great.  Gingerbread is one of my FAVORITE flavors, but these fell short. I think I’d rather eat cinnamon graham crackers.

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More situations of forced talking on the morning subway:

2) Seeing old acquaintances randomly in the morning.  If you’re an old friend of mine I hadn’t seen for a while, I am going to want to catch up with you, people trying to sleep be damned.  But if you’re just someone I kind of know, like you’re a friend of a friend or a spouse of a friend…then the alarm goes off AVOID AVOID AVOID doesn’t it? Because let’s be honest, I have absolutely NOTHING to say to you. “Remember that time when we met? Yeah that was ca-raaaazy wasn’t it?” Zzzzzzzzz.

Sometimes it’s too late, you lock eyes and it is all over…you have to talk; there goes your opportunity to listen to the Hunger Games on tape: “Oh there’s… there’s that guy Bill who I met last month at happy hour…avoid eye contact…oh sh*t he saw me…sigh, alright here we go HEY MAN. NICE TO SEE YOU BUDDY. NICE WEATHER OR SOMETHING.”

3) Seeing co-workers on the morning subway. This has the potential of being the WORST. I mean, I have to spend all day with you, and now I have to see you twenty minutes earlier and use up any BS topics of interest I was saving for our normal mid-day BS conversation?  Eff.  Of course, it’s not as bad as…

4) Seeing your boss on the morning subway. Great, now I have to talk about why I’m late.  Eff.

Most of my actual friends I don’t mind chatting with in the morning, or we have enough mutual respect just to nod to each other and go about our normal morning routine. So if you see me on the subway in the morning, just tilt your cap and zip it.  Unless I start talking to you…then it means I’m probably trying to hit on you.  Awwwwwwwwwwkward.

Thoughts?  Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy