Junk Food Nation, Miami has a new baseball team!  No, it’s not the Washington Senators.  No, Lebron and the Miami Heat aren’t putting on exhibition games during the lockout.  No, the Miami Gator baseball team from Back to the Future 2 wasn’t created.  Nope – the Florida Marlins have been re-tooled, and are now…the Miami Marlins.

…Now now, hold your applause. Oh wait, you don’t care?  Not surprising.  After all, this is the same former-Florida Marlins team that closed their upper deck in August…for the rest of the season… because they couldn’t sell out the stadium.  This is the same former-Florida Marlins team that always drew less than 25,000 fans at home, despite winning World Series title in 1997 and 2003. (To be fair, fans were burned by the fact that after each World Series, ownership would blow up the team, trading away key players to shed salary after each trophy. But whatever – what ever happened to being a fan no matter WHO was on your team? Sunburnt fair weathers.)

No matter – like most baseball franchises, the Marlins wanted/needed a change.  Step 1, build a new space age-looking baseball-only stadium – they were previously sharing the same space as the Miami Dolphins (Note how empty the upper deck is).  Step 2, get a new coach – the fiery Ozzie Guillen whose comfort with Latin players will fit well in Miami.  Step 3, offer big cash to big free agents like Mark Buerhle, Jose Reyes and Albert Pujols. And finally, Step 4 – get rid of the old, and in with the new.

So now we have the Miami Marlins, outfitted in black, blue, red-orange, and yellow.  Check out ALL the new uniform stylings here. Will all these changes make any difference?  Hard to tell.  Still, gone are the days of teal and black.  Good luck, Miami.

Out with the old, In with the new

Today’s junk food is something my sister gave me, and my immediate thought was “Well, this DEFINITELY has no nutritional value”… it’s Hormel Compleats Chili w/ Beans!

The Money Shot

Another venture into the world of home cooked “meals” that come in pre-packaged easy-to-make containers, Hormel Compleats Chili w/ Beans was on sale I think for a dollar.  Quality stuff.

The word COMPLEATS is a merging of the words “complete” and “eats.” I know you know this.  I just think its funny.  I love wordplay – I’m giggling as I write this.  Shush – lemme enjoy this moment.

USDA approved!

Hormel has been around since 1891, founded by George Hormel in Minnesota.  Originally a company that sold meat, eggs, hides, and wool to traders, the company has expanded to be one of the country’s largest food distributors, selling food under many brands, including the Chi-Chi’s, Dinty Moore, Farmer John, Herdez, Jennie-O, Lloyd’s, Spam and Stagg brands, as well as under its own name.

Hormel Compleats Chili w/ Beans – passed inspection by the USDA!  That’s good to know.

90 seconds in heaven

Hormel Compleats Chili w/ Beans can be microwaved and eaten in 90 seconds.  WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?  I WANT MY CHILI NOW!

According to Hormel’s website, “Eat without disrupting your busy schedule with Hormel® Compleats® meals.  When you want it fast and tasty, get Hormel Compleats meals-from desk drawer to delicious in ninety seconds.”

Yep, because when I’m busy at work, answering phones, writing documents, makin’ that chedda’ – CHILI is what I want.

Instructionville

There is a LOT of writing on the back of these Hormel Compleats Chili w/ Beans.  Lots of ingredients (yikes), lots of pictures (apparently I need to stab the package like a murder victim at the start), and lots of warnings (HEY IDIOT! IF YOU HEAT THIS UP, IT’LL BE HOT!)  I do appreciate that beef is the second ingredient, however – that’s a good sign.

Feels like army rations

Mmmmm…looks so….military.  I half expected there to be a Dharma stamp somewhere.

Ventilate!

Hormel Compleats Chili w/ Beans, properly vented for cooking.  This is the after picture. I didn’t do anything wrong, officer.  The package ran into my fork, I swear.  Ran into my fork…seven times.

Messy mess

TADA!  Hormel Compleats Chili w/ Beans spurted everywhere when I opened the package…apparently, hot contents also create pressure (ah, science), but most of it stayed in the bowl.  Smelled pretty good, I must admit, though I was concerned with the watery texture to start.

Mmmmmm...bean-ey

After it had the chance to stand, the Hormel Compleats Chili w/ Beans thickened up nicely.  The thing is, unlike the package cover, I only saw chunks of bean and meat.  Where’s the other stuff?

Compleatly processed

I took a bite, and my findings: first of all, I’ve had a lot of chili in my day.  Homemade, restaurant-style, from a food truck, from chili cook-offs, etc.  We all have.  And I have to say…this wasn’t BAD.  (Wasn’t great, but wasn’t bad).

First, 1.5 minutes WAS enough time – this chili was plenty hot.  The beans – good snap, not soggy and not undercooked. The consistency of the beans is what most of us shoot for when making our own chili – pretty tender.  There was plenty of chili powder taste in the “soup” part of the chili.  The beef…well, it was sort of rubbery but full of beefy flavor (I dunno, maybe this was artificial?)  Was it spicy?  A little bit of burn…paprika taste was very strong.  If you had several bites in a row, your tongue definitely tingled. Good onion flavor.  Good cumin flavor.  If you look closely, you can see some shreds of pepper or onion but these had virtually no texture.  And there was no tomato seen at all; mainly just soup, beans, and meat.

In the end, I thought I would hate it, but actually liked it.  Homemade chili – obviously better.  But for what this was, it was pretty satisfying.  Main complaint – rubbery meat, but I expected it.  Flavors were good – I have to give Hormel a hat tip.

Thoughts on this chili and/or the new Miami Marlins?  Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy