Junk Food Nation, let’s talk about something that is plaguing our nation. Nope, I’m not talking about jeggings, I’m talking about something much more serious: people who run funny.

Seriously, though.  It’s Fall here in DC, and the neighborhoods are filled with women and men who are running their asses off just in time…to have everything covered up by three layers of wool as they endure the harsh harsh winter.  But I digress. It is such a turn off to see a hot twenty-something jogging down the street wearing tight spandex running shorts and a sports bra…only to notice that she runs like a mule with three legs.  What the hell is that???

We all know what running is SUPPOSED to look like: the long strides, symmetric arm swings, the perfectly bouncing…hair.  Cough. But as soon as you see a dude or gal with a weird run? My libido deflates faster than an air mattress in my parents’ basement.  Let’s review some examples of awkward running:

1) Running like you’re swimming. Apparently there are people out there who, instead of balling their hands into fists while they run, prefer to point their hands downward limply like they’re doggy-paddling through the air. Try it out – it’s ridiculous.  What are you, practicing for the pool later? Hey Michael Phelps! There’s no water out here, idiot!

2) Running like you’re doing a hoe-down. Apparently there are people out there who, instead of chugging their arms tight agains the side of their body, prefer to kick their elbows outward, and pump their bent arms back and forth in front of them like someone’s got a fiddle playin’ the Devil Went Down to Georgia. No one’s dosey-doeing out here, cowboy. Grab your partner, tuck those arms in, and get the hell out of here.

More after the jump.  Today’s junk food: Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts!

Planters Roasted Peanuts have been around for a long time – since 1906, in fact.  This nut company is over 100 years old!  And as long as I can remember, Planters Dry Roasted Peanuts have always been vacuum sealed in a glass jar like the one seen above. Whenever you crack into a jar, you get that satisfying rush of air that let’s you know: “Yep, these are fresh.” For example:

Yep, Junk Food Nation – that is the gasp of vacuum-seal appreciation.

Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts are the first variation of peanut, outside of Honey Roasted, that I think I’ve ever seen from Planters.  Usually your only options are salted or unsalted.  Woooo – that’s a party.

Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts are kickin’ it up a notch, apparently! Five alarm chili, eh? I’m expecting spicy here. The Old West-type letter font makes me feel like Mister Peanut should be ringing an old fashioned metal triangle with that cane of his.  And the little red chili pepper as the “i” in Chili?  Awh, that’s cute.

“Natural flavor with other natural flavors,” is an interesting phrase, though, Planters. I feel like you’re trying to trick me.

Creepy.  The glass of the jar is embossed with the winking face of Mr. Peanut.  It may be just because it is Halloween time and I’m feeling morbid, but does anyone else feel like Mr.Peanut’s soul is trapped in the jar and he can’t get free?  Anyone?  …….yeah me neither <hiding under covers>

Seriously??? The warning “Contains: Peanut.” NO SH*T!

Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts, now THAT is what I call flavor powder!!!! I want so much powder that it’s like sand at the bottom of an effing hourglass!  I want it to cover the bottom two inches of the jar!  Oh, spicy spicy goodness…

The Dry Roasted Peanuts themselves looked standard – fresh, crisp, and without any weird discolorations. They were heavily sprinkled with what I can only assume is a mixture of dried powdered chili, onion, and other spices.  I took several in my hand and popped them into my mouth…

YEP, these are spicy!  Wowza… the fresh taste of the dry roasted peanuts came out really strong, but so did the spice.  With one peanut, the spice was “eh.” With several peanuts, I definitely coughed a little as the chili scorched my mouth and throat.  A good burn.

My biggest complaint, however, was that these really weren’t Five Alarm Chili-flavored peanuts.  These just tasted like peanuts that happened to have some powder thrown on them – once the powder was sucked off in the first second, all that was left was really just some decent peanuts (nothing special). Good spice, but the burn didn’t really ADD to the flavor of the nut.

For me, there lacked connection between the burn and the nuts.  Definitely not as successful as Blue Diamond flavored Almonds.  Sorry, Planters.

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More with awkward running!

3) That dude who is ripped and runs without a shirt.  Yeah we see you, Hercules. Yes, we can all see you’re in shape. Yes, that sweat glistenin’ turns on all the ladies. I’ll just say this – you better be training for the Marines or for the Olympics, because anyone who you want to admire you can’t get you to stop running!  Take a chill, grab a beer, and act less than superhuman, can you?  Jerk.

4) Running with a big ass water bottle.  I’ve seen people running while carrying a big water bottle in one hand, sloshing around like a 3-lb. weight.  WTF? Either that’s a great upper body workout, or one of the stupidest things ever!  Hopefully, you’re switching arms, otherwise you’re liable to end up looking like a fifteen-year old boy after he finds his dad’s Playboy stash.

5) Running with a big ass backpack of water on your back.  Yeah, I get it – it’s made for long distance runners. You look ridiculous. And that weird ass straw that snakes from the back into your mouth?? I’m sure THAT’S clean.  I’d rather do number 6 below…

6) Running with a belt that has tiny water bottles all over it. Yep, that’s right.  I’m like Batman with his utility belt – except instead of Batarangs, I have water bottles.  Instead of smoke capsules, I have water bottles. Instead of a grappling hook – water bottles.  I am the most unsuccessful and ill-equipped Batman, ever.

7) Running with your mouth open, drooling.  If you’re on mile 17 of a marathon run, I can accept a little drooly drool here or there.  But if your default posture when you run is to have your mouth wide open to suck in as much air as possible and you basically have white spittle at the corners of your mouth? You might be chugging too hard there, pal.  Spit out the bugs, close your mouth, and take a breather.  Nothing like seeing a cute girl who looks like she has rabies while she’s running.

8 ) Running with weird V-ed out feet. I know some people can’t help it, but whenever I see people running who push off with flared out feet I have to resist the urge to point and squeal, “PENGUIN! PENGUIN! PENGUIN!”  Er…yeah. I don’t REALLY do that, I was just kidding. Yep. (Nope.)

9) Couples running.  This is my favorite awkward running moment because, unless they’re both athletes, you can clearly see within 3 seconds which one forced the other to go running.  There’s the hot girl wearing tight pink running sweats and a tank top…and there’s her boyfriend with the stained undershirt and random sweat shorts running slowly three feet behind her.  Awesome.

10) Running like you’re in pain. Nothing is more awkward than a cute guy or girl who is striding along…with a look of sheer terror and wincing pain on his or her face. Jeez, maybe you should stop. Maybe running isn’t for you. You look like you’re about to cry.  Get some new shoes, get some water, get some Prozac – because you look terrible.

Do you run funny?  Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy