Junk Food Nation, has this ever happened to you?

(202): Hey it was great hanging out tonight watching the game.

(703): Yeah, it was fun.

(202): We should do it again sometime.

(703): Sure.

(202): We don’t have to watch a game…anything with you would be perfect.

Yeah, did you feel that? The awkwardness was palpable.  You knew EXACTLY when the moment changed from “hey let’s hang out” to “I wanna FLIRTY FLIRTY FLIRTY FLIRTY.”  And when you’re on the receiving end, you wince so hard the entire room can hear it.

It’s the “Ohhhh…this is what we’re doing, huh?” moment.  As a guy, trying to hit on girls, I’ve had this moment occur numerous times.  It’s so awkward you can only flee. You’re trying to be suave (yep) but all that comes off is “HEY LOOKIT ME I’M A WEIRDO!” I once had a moment when I asked a girl for her number, and she froze, turned to her friend and said, “Wait, what? You need my help?” and then proceeded to shove her friend into the bathroom where they both hid. For an hour.

More after the jump.  My sister found me today’s junk food, something I’d been seeking long and hard for since I posted about them a while ago.  Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls Ice Cream!

Let’s go over it again: SNL’s infamous skit with Alec Bladwin is the inspiration for this junk food.  I’ve looked long and hard, far and wide, and every other cliche in between looking for this goddamn ice cream. Gas stations, 7-11’s, grocery stores, Targets, Walmarts, Ben & Jerry’s Stores even….. and no luck! But finally, my sister tracked it down.  Schweddy Balls Ice Cream. At last.

Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls Ice Cream is comprised of vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum and containing fudge covered rum/malt balls.  So many great things about this label! The references to the SNL Skit’s “Delicious Dish” show (Season’s Eatings & the radio gear on the cow) and the fact that they show the balls right there in the lower half of the lid.  Genius.

Limited batch… NO KIDDING, BEN & JERRY’S.  Were you HIDING this intentionally?  In order to find this ice cream, I needed the medallion on a six foot stick with Indiana Jones in the map room and then when the sun came through the hole, it pointed me where in this friggin’ city the ice cream was located.

The cow with the radio headphones on cracks me up.  It just does.  I mean, it’s a cow.  With headphones. You don’t think it’s funny??  Whatever, discount.

“Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year – Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.

“Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.

“Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season’s Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Popcorn Balls, Cheese Balls, Rum Balls.. you name it.

“Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth’s watering just thinking about those Balls!

“Teri Rialto: It’s been years since I’ve seen any Balls.

“Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?

“Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.”

Finally, alcohol in my ice cream.  Not if I can only get Betty Crocker to add THC to my brownies…

Enough with the small talk. Let’s get to the ice cream montage!

Here’s the basic rundown:

1) No, I did NOT eat the entire carton.  That you know of.  I made sure to take the pictures BEFORE I started to really go to work on this pint.

2) The ice cream was rich and creamy vanilla, delicious, with just a TINY hint of rum…honestly, if you didn’t know there was rum in it, you wouldn’t even notice it was there.  Just a good ice cream vanilla flavor.

3) The balls, OH THE BALLS.  Soft, and chewy. Fudge covered, so they gave a nice chocolatey taste, and inside was a STRONG flavor of rum with the chewy malt sugar flavor.  When chewed with the ice cream, the heavy rum flavor infused nicely with the vanilla.  A very holiday tasting treat, and certainly worth the wait.  The balls made all the difference.

If I had one complaint, it’s that there weren’t enough balls (heh heh). Anyways, if you can FIND this frozen junk food, I recommend it.

—

You can see the “This is what we’re doing” moment watching two people interact across the room. Two people talking, and then one starts laughing nervously.  Laughing a little too long.  Laughing while eyes are darting all around the room, until they lock on to someone and they excuse themselves, leaving the remaining party standing there pretending to drink from an empty cup.  It’s awesome.

If flirting is like chess, than the “This is what we’re doing” moment is like accidentally vomiting all over the chess board. I’ve had that moment revelation myself before!  In the public library, of all places, this exact exchange happened once:

Rando woman who was creepy: Hey, did you go to [insert name of law school]. (looking at my backpack)

Me, startled: Yeah, I did, why? (making sure my wallet is secure)

Rando: Oh, I go there now. (smiling and nodding)

Me: Oooo…k.  That’s cool.  (pause…go back to trying to find book and flee)

Rando: There’s no one as cute as you who goes there now. (smiling wider)

Me: Yeah… (walk away quickly)

See how mature I was in handling it?  What are YOUR best “Ohhh…this is what we’re doing, huh” moments?  Comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy!

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy