Junk Food Nation, let’s talk about an awkward epidemic that is plaguing our nation.  No I’m not talking about jeggings; I’m talking about people who burp in public.  What. The. Hell.  Look, I understand that everyone needs to burp once in a while – hell, I relish it.  But it always seems like there is no gracious, polite, not awkward way to do this.  You always end up looking like a complete weirdo.  Here are the typical methods:

1) Just let’er rip. You’ve seen these people. You could be at a bar or a bar mitzvah – these people just think, “Hey, I got gas, and I’m going to make it as loud as possible.” BLAAAAUCh!!!!!!!!!!!!! is usually how it sounds.  They usually make some statement like, “Better out than in,” afterwards.  How ’bout you’re disgusting. I reserve the right to call you out for being disgusting.

More after the the jump. Today’s junk food: Nabisco Ritz Bits Kickin’ Cheddar!

The Money Shot

I feel like I remember when Ritz Bits were released, being a kid and thinking, “Well, what’s the point of this? Tiny Ritz crackers? I mean sure they’re cute and all, but Ritz crackers aren’t THAT hard to eat. Seems like a waste.”

And then Ritz Bits sandwiches came out, with two tiny crackers sandwiched around a morsel of processed cheese.  I remember THEN thinking, “Ooooh, Ritz – now I see what you’re getting at.  Tricky devil, you.”

After years of consuming Ritz Bits sandwiches with peanut butter and with processed cheddar, I was eager to try this Kickin’ Cheddar variation.

NUEVO!

The fact that everything on the box has a Spanish translation I guess makes sense, as these are presumably marketed in areas where there are high Latino/Latina populations.  Still, is this necessary? They’re Ritz Bits sandwiches, not instructions to a shuttle launch… I feel like a Martian could just look at the box and know what these are.

Who doesn't love a spicy kick?

Cheddar cheese flavored with a mild spicy kick.  Gotta love it – this isn’t jalapeno cheddar, chipotle cheddar, pepperjack – nope, it’s just cheese FLAVORED WITH  a spicy kick.  Nabisco’s not mincing words in explaining how artificial the filling is, nosiree.  Artificial filling that is naturally flavored… yum.

I miss games on the backs of boxes

Ah, the classic game on the back of the box. You know, not many companies do this anymore. I was looking on the back of a cereal box recently and on it was a trailer for Terra Nova. I swear.

I’ve been reading that slug line, “Playtime or Snacktime Ritz Bits Fits” over and over again, and I still don’t know what that means.

Tiny sandwiches

The Ritz Bits sandwiches look typical – buttery golden Ritz, in its tiny version, with a little bit of processed cheese inside. The box clearly didn’t protect the crackers very much – there were broken sandwiches all over the place.  Ghetto, Nabisco.

Like a savory Oreo

Buttery cracker

Still these Ritz Bits sandwiches were nicely constructed when they weren’t broken.  A perfect bite size. Nice round shape, not too much filling, not too little.

MMMM processed cheese residue!

I took a bite, and enjoyed the taste – basically, the cheese inside, with the “spicy kick” added, tasted just like that artificial spicy molten cheese that you get on nachos at sporting events…which, by the way, I could drink by the bucket.  Add that to a crispy Ritz, and you have a winner.

Like many other snacks, the taste of these Ritz Bits sandwiches didn’t hit me with a huge WOW factor – but they were very eatable, and before I knew it I’d eaten like thirty of these.  Sign of a good snack, no?  I think so.  If you like processed cheese (who doesn’t) you’ll like these.

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More on public burping:

2) The Burp and Blow.  If you’re in high school, or friends with a complete jerk, this is a common occurrence.  The premise is simple – some jackass burps and fills his mouth with heinousness and then proceeds to blow it in your face.  Effing gross.  Let me say this: if you do this to me, I will take my open hand and swat you in the face.

3) The Fist Coverup. This is a popular one amongst older people – when they feel a burp coming on, these people will inflate their cheeks and puff their face out while burping into their mouth, then turn to the side, put their fist up to their mouth, and exhale everything onto their fist.  Newsflash: THIS DOES NOTHING. Who are you fooling??? The answer is no one.  Sure, it shows you’re making an effort to be polite…but you look ridiculous and I can still smell it, jerk.

4) The Bull. I’ve been guilty of this one.  You burp, hold it in your mouth, and then exhale it through your nose.  Yep, I’ve done this one.  It burns your nostrils, especially if the soda or beer you’re drinking is extremely carbonated.  One the flip side, your sinuses are always clear.

What other awkward public burping displays have you encountered?  Comment below, or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy!

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy