Junk Food Nation, I was walking to work yesterday, and at this busy intersection that I cross every day, I was almost hit by a car.  This car came screeching to a halt as I was in the intersection.  And when I looked at the driver, she was wearing her iPod headphones in her ears, jamming out to music!  WTF.

She was “courteous” enough to mouth, “my fault, sorry” to me.  UM, I HOPE YOU GET T-BONED BY A DUMP TRUCK.

I’m pretty sure wearing headphones while driving is illegal, and why would you think that’s a good idea anyways?  It’s like adding a sensory deprivation tool for no reason. I don’t care how much you like Moves Like Jagger – try to no kill people, ok?

Sidenote: Um, there’s this thing in your car? It’s called a radio. Next time, give it a shot, criminal.

Today’s junk food: Kettle Brand Tias! Zesty Ranch Tortilla Chips!

The Money Shot

I reviewed Kettle Brand Tias before, which I sort of enjoyed, but not really. The problem with reviewing tortilla chips is that they all have to withstand the Doritos standard.  Cool Ranch Doritos have been a favorite of mine for a long time; would these hold up?  Following the Doritos template, they choose the blue bag to run with – how very unoriginal, Kettle.

Blue School

The curious thing about these chips is the NEW tag in the corner.  I mean, having a ranch flavored tortilla chip isn’t really groundbreaking or revolutionary.  Moreover, after visiting their website, it appears that EVERY Tias chip bag is labeled NEW.  As in, the whole effing product line is NEW. I dunno, I feel duped somehow.

Garlic..herbs...cream?

You know, I had to stop and think about what ranch flavor really was.  Creamy, zesty – those are adjectives. And this picture doesn’t really help me – cream, garlic, leafy things.  For anyone not previously exposed to Ranch flavor, this picture doesn’t clear the air at all.   According to Wiki, ranch (dressing) is basically comprised of buttermilk, sour cream, yogurt, mayonnaise, minced green onion, garlic powder, and other seasonings.  “Other seasonings.”  Riiiiight.

Is ranch flavor like the Da Vinci code?  Do I need a Codex to solve this riddle?

Virtually no description

Well, that’s no help.

Cool Ranch Knockoffs

Upon opening the bag, the ranch flavor smell was overpowering – which, in my mind, is a good thing.  It matched the smell I typically get from Doritos so I was happy about that.

Good powder coverage

Powder coverage looked good too.  If you’re going to claim to be zesty, you gotta follow up on that.  No skimping on the buttermilk, sirs.

that IS zesty

One bite and….well…these chips were ok.  Like the nacho cheese flavor, the problem isn’t the chip itself – Kettle has actually done well with a light and crispy tortilla chip, “not unlike a baked Dorito” I think I said.

Kettle is just off when it comes to flavor profile.  OR, maybe I’m just expecting something which is unfair – that is, I’m expecting this to taste like a Cool Ranch Dorito.  The first thing I noticed was an immediate TANG – a real sour tang that wasn’t unpleasant per se, just really surprising, as it dominated any creaminess in the chip itself.  After the tang subsided, the remaining familiar ranch flavors mixed well with the slight creaminess of the powder.  But with the tang, it was almost as if the ranch was a little too bold – overcompensating for the lightness of the chip.

A very strong flavor, but not almost TOO zesty.  Not bad, but I probably wouldn’t have these again.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy