Happy lazy Sunday Junk Food Nation. Sorry for the delay, you know how it goes: you wake up, start watching a story about undrafted NFL rookie offensive linemen, you do a load of laundry while you watch Top Plays for the third time, and the next thing you know its noon, and you haven’t even eaten breakfast yet. Sigh.

So let’s get right to it: today’s hypothetical question is pretty basic, and is related to a recent story of a nearby man who won $107 million in the lottery. This 25-year old guy was getting money from the ATM when he decided to buy a ticket and the rest is history. So today’s hypo is: you’re 25 and have $107 million dollars. What is the FIRST thing you buy?  Exclude boring answers like getting rid of your student loans, paying down your debt, buying your family a house, or rolling around in a bed of bills. If it’s a car, what kind? If’s a meal, where? It’s a vacation, destination?  Mine after the jump.

Today’s Junk Food is something I just saw YESTERDAY: Cheetos Fiery Fusion Sizzlin’ Cayenne & Cheese!

The Money Shot

Cheetos are another junk food which provides the basis for my logo. Everyone is familiar with Cheetos, with their puffy cheesy goodness. Eating Cheetos literally coats your finger tips with glowing orange powder, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Cheetos has had a few famous taglines since their debut in the 1960s:

“The Cheese that goes CRUNCH!” Genius in its simplicity.

“It ain’t easy bein’ cheesy.” No it ain’t, Frito-Lay. No it ain’t.

And most recently: “Take a Cheetos Break with Cheetos.” Um, nice one guys. Hope the brainchild who thought of this one was fired.

Thankfully not Cheetos Soggy

Cheetos are best known for their crunch. And recently, they’ve come in a variety of flavors – Baked, Flamin’ Hot, and Flamin’ Hot with Lime.  These Fiery Fusion Cheetos jumped off the shelf at me, so I knew I had to try them.

Fiery Font

The promise of this snack is pretty clear – Cheetos already are made with cheese, so I’m just expecting a spicy spicy Cheeto with lots of cayenne kick.  Gets you in the back of your throat more than burns your tongue, you know what I mean? That’s what I want.

Chester Cheetah goin' nuts

I have to say, Chester Cheetah is a horrifying mascot for a junk food.  He’s not cute or cuddly at all, nor does he inspire you to eat his snack – instead he’s like a drug-obsessed cat who peddles his cheesy snacks to kids like it’s K2.  And I’m sorry, this commercial for Cheetos isn’t cute – it’s weird.

Here, Chester is holding a cayenne pepper and a block of cheddar. Not the most creative, Frito-Lay.

I like my sensations spicy. Wait, that's not right...

Wait, does Chester Cheetah make these cheesy poofs? Then how can he be at it again?

Anyways, Frito-Lay clarifies that not only is there cayenne kick with this snack but also jalapeno. Setting yourself up high, Cheetos.

Cheesy poofs!

When you see the Cheetos initially, you immediately recognize the red speckling all over each poof, which is different than normal Cheetos. These look like they are loaded to go, having been super heated and puffed through an extruder and seasoned heavily. I have no idea what this means, I just read it here.

Familiar finger-length poofs

I took three good size Cheetos in my hand and popped them in my mouth. First taste: nothing; a good cheesy flavor, and definitely very savory. A little bit of a bite. I swallowed, disappointed.

But then, the heat in my throat started growing…and GROWING…AND GROOOOWING…..

That orange is burning my eyes

WOW! I actually coughed to clear some of the spice from my throat!  I got a little redness in my face, and I had to swallow a few more times.  Nice work, Cheetos!

Spicy snacks are always tricky because you don’t want the kick to be so strong that you can’t taste the savoriness of the junk food itself – but Cheetos here sinks the hole-in-one. These poofs are engineered to deliver the kick after you are almost done swallowing, knocking you over from behind while not sacrficing taste.  And my fingers got all orange with powder, which i delightfully licked off after.  A+!

—-

With $107 million dollars, I would do everything you would do – help out family, get rid of debt for me and any loved ones, buy a home, etc. etc.  Duh. But I’ve thought about this a lot, and I know EXACTLY what I would get if I was suddenly flooded with riches.

I’d buy a parking spot in my goddamn condo building.

Since moving to DC, I’ve been able to park on the street with no issues. Well, no issues except for a knocked off sideview mirror, having the entire side of my car keyed, flat tires, destroyed hubcaps, and more bumps and scrapes to my front and rear bumper than I care to count. (Seriously? Note to the car in front of me – parallel parking does not involve bumping back and forth until you can squeeze into the space! The term “bumpers” is figurative, or at least it should be!) I’ve been rained on, had a few parking tickets, had my car towed randomly, and have been late to events because I couldn’t remember where the hell I parked my car.

Now my building has a garage with a bunch of spaces. But there’s a waitlist. I put my name on that waitlist three effing years ago when I moved in. THREE.

But the problem is my building is full of old people. Who own all the spaces. Because there’s less spaces than condos in my building. Now I don’t hate old people. My parents are older and I love them. But until one of these geezers in my building croaks or moves (which will never happen), I’m gonna be stuck on the parking space waitlist at the bottom until I’m geriatric myself.

Now…with $107 million, I figure I can just bribe the top of that waitlist, no?

What would YOU buy? Comment below and let me know! Or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy — have a good Sunday!

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy