Junk Food Nation, I have something to admit.  I am …a Buffalo Bills fan.

Growing up in upstate New York, you were either a Bills fan, or you hated the Bills.  I was a loyalist. I remember Bruce Smith, Don Beebe, Andre Reed, Steve Tasker, Thurman, Kelly, etc.  I remember exactly where I was during each of those painful Super Bowl losses.  “Wide right…” ….ugh.

But I’m not here to reminisce about the early 90’s.  I’m here to discuss a phenomenon that we will all bear witness to during the upcoming NFL season: the Suck for Luck sweepstakes!

“Luck” of course refers to senior quarterback Andrew Luck, of Stanford University.  The consensus No. 1 pick of the NFL Draft, Luck decided to return to Stanford for one more year.  Of course, anything can happen and Luck could drop in NFL draft stock, get injured or worse, but right now he is the consensus No. 1 hopeful pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

The worse team this season gets the No. 1 pick, and thus, gets Luck. Hence, Suck for Luck!  Now, to be clear, I am NOT a sports fan that wants their team to lose to get better draft picks. That’s ridiculous – as a Bills fan, I’m too used to losing, losing in incredibly horrific fashion, and I’m sick of it.  Moreover, I do not believe that NFL teams intentionally tank games in order to get a higher draft pick.  NFL teams don’t tank. They just don’t – football is too brutal a game.  With players having a short average on-field lifespan due to potentially career-ending injuries, and the amount of money paid in in-game incentives, it’s a very costly and risky proposition to tank games to get a single player who may or may not “save” your team.

But the Bills are a bad team, and they need a quarterback.  Will they get Luck?  My thoughts after the jump.  Today’s junk food caught my eye simply because of its loud colors: Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Strawberry Pop-Tarts!

The Money Shot

To be honest, it’s been a long time since I’d had a Pop-Tart.  These jelly filled rectangular pastries became popular back in 1964 when first released by Kellogg’s.  Apparently, the frosted versions of Pop-Tarts didn’t arrive until 1967.  WOW – those were some three miserable years, no?  Frosted = always better than unfrosted.  In all situations.

“Wildlicious” huh?  These Pop-Tarts are so crazy good, we need to make up words now?  Settin’ your self up bigtime here, Kellogg’s – these flavors are so wild they’re delicious?  We’ll see.

Whoa, instructions

Comedian Brian Regan does a great bit about the instructions on a Pop-Tarts box, so I won’t repeat the ridiculousness of these instructions.  I do, however, enjoy the warnings on a Pop-Tarts box because, like most of you, I have burned the living sh*t out of my mouth from a blazing hot Pop-Tart before.  Seriously how hot does the fruit jelly inside get, 1000 degrees???  Good lord, I think this is the stuff Frodo dropped the ring into at the top of Mount Doom. (Nerd alert).

Wait, who eats just one???

How is one pastry the serving size for Pop-Tarts???  You open up that foil sleeve, and there’s clearly TWO pastries in there – who in their right mind is looking to split ’em up?  Is two too filling?

Incidentally, the first four ingredients in this junk food are enriched flour, corn cyrup, high fructose corn syrup, and then sugar.  MMMM MMMMM that’s good eatin’!

Oh, I won't.

More absurd directions.  “Do Not Microwave in This Pouch”…unless you want to see sparks fly.  Although I’m guessing there is some dolt out there who thinks the foil is some kind of incubating jacket, otherwise this warning wouldn’t be necessary.  I wonder if cans of soup say “Do Not Microwave in This Can….Idiot.”

Green...er...salt?

Ta-Da!!!  Your classic Pop-Tart – rectangular, covered in delicious frosting, and speckled with green ….er, what is that stuff?  I took one green granule and tasted it, and it was rock sugar. Did someone at Pop-Tarts design decide that this snack just needed more contrast?  And why do I feel like designing Pop-Tart frosting patterns is like designing bad wrapping paper that is sold by middle schoolers to earn money for band camp?

Pastry for breakfast!

Even though I hadn’t had a Pop-Tart in a long time, these looked damn good.  As I cracked open the pastry, the familiar strip of fruit jelly came into view and my stomach gurgled.  Plus, they had that recognizable doughy sweet smell that Pop-Tarts have.

Delicious jelly filling mmmmmmmm

I toasted my Pop-Tart up and took a bite…and yep, it’s certainly a Pop-Tart.  I mean, it was good in the way that Pop-Tarts are good – satisfying crunch to the enriched dough.  The heated frosting had some slight strawberry flavor and complimented the extremely sweet jelly filling well.  Nothing was overly “Wildlicious” nor did I notice anything different from a non-wild frosted strawberry Pop-Tart.  Pretty standard tasting, really.

A solid eat, but if I had to, I’d probably buy a different Pop-Tart flavor next time.

—-

I don’t know if the Bills will get Luck, because quite frankly, I don’t know if the Bills will be the worst team in the league this year.  There will be plenty of surprise teams, good and bad, this season.  Let’s look at the candidates for worst NFL team this coming season, ONLY based on last year’s bottom five teams:

Carolina Panthers: This awful team not only drafted Jimmy Claussen last year, but drafted another QB No. 1 overall in Cam Newton this year!  If they end up at the bottom, they’d have to be fools to draft another QB number one overall. Then again, its Carolina, and they love the color teal.

Denver Broncos: With Kyle Orton back and In Tebow We Trust on the roster, bringing in Andrew Luck here would also be unlikely.  Who needs Luck when you have Jesus?

BUFFALO BILLS: Still have an Ivy League QB starting, and his competition is Tyler Thigpen, a man best known for breaking every Coastal Carolina University college football statistical record. Yeah, I didn’t know they had a football team either.  We upgraded the offensive and defensive lines, but did nothing with the offense.  I smell three wins.

Arizona Cardinals: Just brought in Kevin Kolb for a LOOOOOT of money and gave up a lot to get him. If the Cards finish last it would require a HUGE failing on Kolb’s part.

Cincinnati Bengals: Crud, the only team with a chance to be worse than the Bills!  Carson Palmer is gone, TO is gone, OchoCinco is gone. Carson’s little brother Jordan will battle Bruce Gradkowski and Andy Dalton for the starting QB job, while running back Cedric Benson will try to avoid not only tackles but further DUI arrests this coming year.  Yep.  This is debacle-town.

I hope Andrew Luck likes Skyline Chili.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy