I’m headed to the beach today, but you can check out what I’m doing all weekend via my Twitter handle, @junkfoodguy.  Don’t worry, followers, the daily junk food posts will not stop, even if I am on (a brief) vacation.

In yesterday’s news, the Roger Clemens trial became the Roger Clemens Mistrial.  To put it simply, the prosecutor played some video evidence for the jury that the judge had already, pre-trial, told the government it couldn’t play.  Thus a mistrial was declared.

Regardless of the trial’s current status, I still can’t help feel that Roger Clemens is a complete lunatic.  The Mitchell Report, a steroid investigation paper, came out in 2007 and named Clemens as one of several players who did steroids in years prior.  The other players named, as well as those dinged during steroid testing, dealt with it in their own way in the years that followed.  Some came out and admitted use (Arod and Pettitte). Some faded into obscurity (Raffy Palmeiro).  And some still hung around, although they tried not to draw attention to themselves or pretended not to speak English (Sammy Sosa.  Yeah, you, Sammy. You clearly know English, weirdo).

But Clemens…well, when the report came out, he came to the news and denied it.  Ok, fine.  Then he said he’d go in front of Congress voluntarily and SWEAR he didn’t use steroids.  Wait, what?!  Why the eff would you volunteer for that?  Forget the actual truth of whether you took steroids, why open yourself up to potential perjury charges and FURTHER investigation???  It’s like someone getting caught red-handed drunk driving, the cop starts to walk away, and then the driver INSISTS on a blood test.  MORON.

More on this after the jump:

The Money Shot

SNACKWELLS!  Marketed as sensible healthy snacky versions of sinful treats, Snackwells have been around since 1992.  Their slogan is Be Bad, Snack Well.  Um, yes please.

The Money Shot 2

When I saw these Brownie Bites, I HAD TO TRY THEM.  First of all, brownies = always good.  Second, bite size treats = easier to eat.  Thus, Brownie Bites = my head exploding.  Add in vanilla creme in the center and the SnackWells reputation, and it was all I could do not to rip open the package in the store and start maw-ing them down.

Pillows of Deliciousness

Each little brownie bite looked amazing as soon as I opened the package.  I love Oreos, so the familiar structure of chocolate surrounding vanilla was inviting.  Like I mentioned before, brownies are always good – as long as they’re moist.  If a brownie is moist, then it can cure cancer.  Or boredom.  Or skinniness.

Also, what’re those little black specks lining the surface?  That’s fudge, my friends.  Yep.  Hold the applause, I’ll do it for you.

Six Pack

Six pieces in each little snack pack, and you can already tell from the sheen that these brownies definitely have the proper moistness a brownie should have.  If you don’t believe me…

You can just tell its amazing

…then check out this picture.  Good god, I need to eat another package RIGHT NOW.  As soon as I popped the quarter-sized piece of brownie into my mouth, I was so so very happy.  The brownie was definitely moist.  Chocolate-y.  Rich.  The creme was sweet and while a little dry, mixed in well with the rich chocolate flavor. The chocolate brownie taste lasted long and stuck in my mouth.  No mistaking that SnackWells hit this one out of the park.

Perfect sponginess

Even more than that, the brownie had enough sponginess and elasticity to maintain its shape after a bite – it didn’t crumble into a brown powdery mess, nor did it break off in chunks.  Nope, good firmness and softness simultaneously.

Now was it as good as an ACTUAL oven baked brownie?  No.  You can tell the flavor doesn’t go 100% all the way, since Nabisco wants to make it somewhat healthy.  But for what it is, it is a successful product. I’d like to put these bites into a bowl and cover them with chocolate syrup.  Delicious.  SnackWells, bravo.

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The amazing thing to notice about the steroid issue is that no one in the news, until now (again), has even brought it up in a long time.  Arod admitted use, but no one really discusses it anymore.  No one is writing about the Palmeiro and Sosa accusations, and you certainly don’t see them clamoring to get in a courtroom.  Hell, even Barry Bonds with his gigantic head who has his OWN PERJURY CRIMINAL TRIAL coming up barely registers a blip in my brain on a day to day basis.

But Clemens??  He trumpets his own innocence so loudly we can’t ignore him.  He doesn’t WANT us to ignore him.  The Rocket has one speed: idiotic.  And when the government gets their shit together to re-prosecute this guy, he’ll wish he’d kept his trap shut.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy